Tripping

Today I’ve met my cousin. She’s 6 years older than me. We were so bonded during growing up, but then we kind of split when she got married and later on gave a birth to her son. We’re still in contact but it’s not as it’s used to be. I remember our best times were during my high school. I adored her so much and wanted to be just like her. Somehow I achieved that, we’re physically very similar. We do look alike. And we got each other pretty well during these times, but something occurred today that wasn’t actually the thing I expected.

She told me: “Listen, I’ve met one guy today, he’s my client, I think he’s good for you, a bit clumsy, I think he never had a girlfriend before, but he’s ok.”

There’s a phrase in my language that can be used for many stuff, including seducing people and fixing their teeth. As my cousin used it, at first I though she found me a patient. But no, she found a groom.

I believe today she became just a cousin. Like all the others who just point their eyes on youngsters and wait for the wedding bells.

Why is that necessarily? Is there some other person, a partner that represents me best than I represent myself? Do I even exist if I’m single?

As I wrote before, I have difficulties fitting back in the frame of my hometown. This is one of them.

Most of the people who are my age face the same problem – we are all single. And it’s not changing. But that is not what really bothers me. The problem is a concept of personal space and borders. A partner is something personal. A person that I choose by myself, by my own idea. Once I’ve read in a certain book that everyone has a pattern. A pattern of life companion. It is something unique and highly specific. Not anyone can fit in and even if fits it’s not actually that precise. People must make some compromises and care for each other in order for their relationship to work.

So, basically everyone knows what’s best for themselves. In my case, I’ve never doubted it. Although I miss man and I miss support provided by partner, I never talk about it openly. It’s  too much and pointless. But I really get the feeling that when someone is trying to connect me with other person actually doesn’t appreciate me much and thinks of me as of someone incompetent to find a suitable partner. You can’t do it by force. I may sound harsh, but it’s not my way of meeting a partner. Sure, there are relationships that lasted for a lifetime and were started just like that. But I believe that in order for it to last, you must find something in someone that is precious for you, someone who may fit your pattern by his characteristics and the way of thinking. There’s no way that someone else would instruct you how to think or feel or to tell you who you really are; to tell you who is the one you seek.

I stopped seeking.

It bothers me less than actually seeking for someone. After so many bad experiences, I just give up. If he’s there he’ll pop-up. If not, life goes on, as it does everyday.

I feel some kind of emptiness. And it is so hard for it to shrink. So hard that I sometimes think – is it real that I’m so unattractive? Is it true that I can’t fit in someone’s pattern even a little bit? What are those disgusting characteristics that make people not even consider me? Am I that bad that I make other people feel sorry for me so they try to find me a person to love and to live with?

And all those questions later pull out marriage issues. I must find someone to marry and I must live with him no matter what as everyone else must and if there’s something wrong that should be pushed under the carpet in order for “family” to look great in it’s own failure. That’s how it works not only in my own family, but also in my broader family. Talking about patterns we all live the same, and now they’re pushing me to continue that tradition. It is still a quite shame to divorce or to star all over. It is even worse if you remain maiden…

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