After years of solitude I have finally found what I called love, excitement, passion and a vibrant heartbeat. Day after day I couldn’t wait to see him, to smell him, to feel him around. I felt so shaking every time I was about to see him. I remember the first time we arranged a meeting, the first time we saw each other for a specific reason and that night when it all began…
I knew he’s about to leave and I felt more sad each day as that moment was approaching. I was aware that two long months were ahead of me; he’s gone into the desert where there’s no decent internet signal, no networks, only long working hours day by day. So, we don’t communicate that often.
As I earlier mentioned, there’s a strong connection and a specific feeling that I have regarding to loneliness. Solitude is something that I have acknowledged, until now, as something bad and negative; as an obstacle that keeps my soul and mind blocked and isolated…
After “the love of my life” have had gone away, I got plenty of time to reconsider and rethink and recollect all the missing feelings and thoughts which were put aside due to my silly and emotional half of personality. A dicky id. But, my so far life enemy slapped me in a friendly manner, to tell me that my reasonable self has something to say.
It haven’t even passed 24 hours after he left when I received a message containing that my other half is expecting a baby with a one night stand girl he met months before he met me. Cold sweat splashed me as I phoned a person who’s very close to him and very close to me too. Since I couldn’t reach him…To sum it up – the info was false.
Now we can all pretend like there’s nothing happened. We’re still in a deep love. He’s still not even aware of what have happened. He’s far away. He told me he’s about to earn money for us to get married and to live together. And he is a good man; polite, dedicated and educated. I could say he’s the one…
But my reasonable self woke me up two mornings ago. She was shaking me to wake me up. In panic. Wake up. Wake up. Yes, the pregnant girl is not pregnant. But the problem still floats. What are you going to do with other bad choices he made? With other bad people he’s surrounded; who are now step by step surrounding you?
How about that promiscuous, rude nail artist who he calls his friend? This is not a jealousy attack, no. He wouldn’t cheat on me. But he’d do something worse. He’d humiliate me in front of peasantry by spending time and appreciating a woman who have never had constant life; decent and permanent friends, lovers, boyfriends, the one to who’s been given more than one chance to become educated and she turned it down because she could, who’s rude and impolite and non intelligent. They became close just because she wanted it. He became her alternative choice. She picked him, the one with no criteria; a garbage girl. And he finds it completely fine… No matter how hard he studied and built himself up and succeeded; he let himself to be selected by one who doesn’t even know how to appreciate herself…
I hate you my love, because you’re an idiot.
You keep appreciating non qualities. You’re such an idiot.
And there are many other bad choices you made, bad people you consciously picked up to be your closest. Some of your friends like to point out how bad relationship experiences you’ve suffered. How many “bad” and “crazy” girlfriends have made you miserable. But dear, I didn’t choose them for you, no one else did. It was you. They ‘re not the problem, but you are.
And now, at this moment, while you’re away and have no idea about anything, your bad choices are haunting me. The false pregnancy and the fact that you actually value someone who disrespects herself. I might even say that you make me sick.
But on the other hand, you do love me. I can feel it. I believe you are honest. But you don’t respect yourself and you expose me to some bad people who’re already evil and malicious. Why do you do this to us? To me? I don’t deserve this. I’m way better than all of them. You’re letting them to do harm to me. You are suffocating me.
Once I roughly told you about a minor conflict I experiences with your nail art idiotic friend and you by default stepped on her side and cut me out although you haven’t heard it all nor have been there.
You want us to get married and you’re choking me. You’re so far away and I have that feeling that your hands are around my neck. I rather feel indifferent when I see you messaged me than excited as I used to be.
Leave me, love.
My loneliness gave me some space and time to think and to be objective. My loneliness appreciates me more than you do. My loneliness knows how good I am. My loneliness would never expose me to other people who’d do me harm.
When you left I couldn’t stop thinking about the day you’re coming back and I kept imaging your return. I don’t think about it anymore. I’ll probably break your heart. But somehow, you’ve already done that to mine…