Conjugate

In Hungarian many things are so complicated but logically explained and there’s a reason for almost everything happening as it is.

Teacher once told me: “You must have heard how they say ‘I love you’ “. But I didn’t. I have never heard. I knew how to count before attended my first lesson, but I never thought of saying ‘I love you’ on Hungarian. So she told me the word and said that everyone keep repeating it but no one actually asks why is it written and pronounced like that.

Szeretlek looks like this in 3rd conjugation because this one is used when explaining relation between subject and object. In other words, it demands an object in order to be used like this.

Love, same as 3rd conjugation demands an object and it’s funny how grammar and life interfere like this.

Talking about life I keep asking myself questions. And I keep thinking is it real to be like this. Where is that love and where is that demanded object?

I only keep finding objects with no relations between me and it and there is of course no love and no conjugation at all. What is wrong with conjugations and which one is  it now?

Talking with my friends it seems like we all have the same problem. Somehow it is always indefinite. It is so indefinite that in the end it stops existing. When one tries to make it definite they get to know the painful truth – won’t gonna happen. And that is pattern which keeps repeating.

My question is – what are people really looking for in each others? What makes the other so unworthy to you?

I don’t believe that men are afraid of successful women. If he likes you – he likes you. But I don’t know where have that love gone and when is it going to come back to all of us.

There are so many things that I’m good at. I’m not sure if it delights them or scares them. But I just want someone who’d be nice to me and love and respect me. To ask me out, to date me, to have plans with me, to love me. Szeretlek. To be someone’s object.

And I keep missing him. I missed him so many times. I’ll be out of ammunition if I keep it this way but somehow I don’t see the solution. Where is my definite object?

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Tripping

Today I’ve met my cousin. She’s 6 years older than me. We were so bonded during growing up, but then we kind of split when she got married and later on gave a birth to her son. We’re still in contact but it’s not as it’s used to be. I remember our best times were during my high school. I adored her so much and wanted to be just like her. Somehow I achieved that, we’re physically very similar. We do look alike. And we got each other pretty well during these times, but something occurred today that wasn’t actually the thing I expected.

She told me: “Listen, I’ve met one guy today, he’s my client, I think he’s good for you, a bit clumsy, I think he never had a girlfriend before, but he’s ok.”

There’s a phrase in my language that can be used for many stuff, including seducing people and fixing their teeth. As my cousin used it, at first I though she found me a patient. But no, she found a groom.

I believe today she became just a cousin. Like all the others who just point their eyes on youngsters and wait for the wedding bells.

Why is that necessarily? Is there some other person, a partner that represents me best than I represent myself? Do I even exist if I’m single?

As I wrote before, I have difficulties fitting back in the frame of my hometown. This is one of them.

Most of the people who are my age face the same problem – we are all single. And it’s not changing. But that is not what really bothers me. The problem is a concept of personal space and borders. A partner is something personal. A person that I choose by myself, by my own idea. Once I’ve read in a certain book that everyone has a pattern. A pattern of life companion. It is something unique and highly specific. Not anyone can fit in and even if fits it’s not actually that precise. People must make some compromises and care for each other in order for their relationship to work.

So, basically everyone knows what’s best for themselves. In my case, I’ve never doubted it. Although I miss man and I miss support provided by partner, I never talk about it openly. It’s  too much and pointless. But I really get the feeling that when someone is trying to connect me with other person actually doesn’t appreciate me much and thinks of me as of someone incompetent to find a suitable partner. You can’t do it by force. I may sound harsh, but it’s not my way of meeting a partner. Sure, there are relationships that lasted for a lifetime and were started just like that. But I believe that in order for it to last, you must find something in someone that is precious for you, someone who may fit your pattern by his characteristics and the way of thinking. There’s no way that someone else would instruct you how to think or feel or to tell you who you really are; to tell you who is the one you seek.

I stopped seeking.

It bothers me less than actually seeking for someone. After so many bad experiences, I just give up. If he’s there he’ll pop-up. If not, life goes on, as it does everyday.

I feel some kind of emptiness. And it is so hard for it to shrink. So hard that I sometimes think – is it real that I’m so unattractive? Is it true that I can’t fit in someone’s pattern even a little bit? What are those disgusting characteristics that make people not even consider me? Am I that bad that I make other people feel sorry for me so they try to find me a person to love and to live with?

And all those questions later pull out marriage issues. I must find someone to marry and I must live with him no matter what as everyone else must and if there’s something wrong that should be pushed under the carpet in order for “family” to look great in it’s own failure. That’s how it works not only in my own family, but also in my broader family. Talking about patterns we all live the same, and now they’re pushing me to continue that tradition. It is still a quite shame to divorce or to star all over. It is even worse if you remain maiden…

No dogs in Heaven!

Since I liked this story a lot, I had need to share it with the rest of the anglosaxon speaking world. You may heard it already somewhere, but here it is again:

An old man and his dog were walking down a hot, dusty road lined with a beautiful white fence on both sides. As they walked along, the old man and his dog became very thirsty and tired.

Soon, they came to a gate in the fence where, on the other side, they saw a nice grassy, wooded area surrounding a cool clear pool of fresh water. “Just where a thirsty ‘huntin’ dog and a man would like to rest!” thought the old man. But there was a sign over the gate that read “No Dogs” so they walked on.

Further on, they came upon a man in flowing white robes standing just inside a strong iron gate across a path that led to a beautiful, sunny meadow with a cool clear stream running through it.

“‘Scuse me Sir,” said the old man, “My dog and I have been on this road all day. Mind if we come in and sit in the shade for awhile?” “Of course!” The man said. “Come on in and rest. You look thirsty and tired.” The old man said, “We sure are!” and started through the gate with his dog.

The gatekeeper stopped him. “Sorry, you can come in but your dog can’t come with you. “You see, this is Heaven, and dogs aren’t allowed here. He has to stay out here on the road.” “What kind of Heaven won’t allow dogs?” said the old man. “Well, if he can’t come in, then I’ll stay out here on the road with him. He’s been my faithful companion all his life and I won’t desert him now.”

“Suit yourself,” said the gatekeeper, “but I have to warn you, the Devil’s on this road and he’ll try to sweet talk you into his place. He’ll promise you anything, but dogs can’t go there either. If you won’t leave that dog on the road, you’ll spend all Eternity on the road with him. Better if you stay here.”

“Well, I’m stayin’ with my dog,” replied the man and he and the dog walked on. Gradually, the fence became more and more faded and rundown until they finally reached a spot where the boards fell away completely leaving a gap. Another man dressed in old, ragged clothes sat just inside the broken fence under a shady tree.

“‘Scuse me Sir,” said the old man, “My dog and I have been on this road all day. Mind if we come in and sit in the shade for awhile?” “Of course!” The man said. “Come on in and rest. There’s some cold water here under the tree. Make yourself comfortable.”

The old man paused, “but what about my dog? Can he can come in, too? The man up the road said dogs weren’t allowed here, and they had to stay on the road.” The other man answered, “Well, you look pretty tired and thirsty. Would you come in here and rest if you had to leave that dog?”

“No sir!” the old man replied, “A glass of cold water and some shade would be mighty fine right about now but I won’t come in if my buddy here can’t come too. I didn’t go to Heaven because my dog couldn’t come with me, so I sure as how ain’t about to go to Hell without him neither.”

The man smiled and said, “Welcome to Heaven, and bring your dog!” The old man exclaimed, “You mean this is Heaven? And my dog can come with me? Then why did that fellow down the road say they weren’t allowed in Heaven?” The man replied, “That was the Devil and he gets all the souls who are willing to give up a life-long companion for small comfort because they think it will make their lives a little easier.”

The man continued, “They soon find out their mistake, but, then it’s too late. The dogs come here, the fickle people stay there. God wouldn’t allow dogs to be banned from Heaven. After all, He created them to be man’s companions in life, why would he separate them in death?”

Isn’t that the best story you’ve ever read?

It represents an average man in it’s own shallowness. Not the old one from the story himself, but man in general.

But the dog, loyal and emotional can’t actually see. It is not just a dog, but anyone being put in a position of a good friend.

How far can we go accomplishing our own goals, delusively believing that “there is no other way”?

How many people suffer then in order for one to succeed?

Is there justice, standing with her eyes folded, holding scales in one of her hands and a sword in another?

 

People, be good owners to your pets. Love them and sing to them 🙂