Dear solitude

After years of solitude I have finally found what I called love, excitement, passion and a vibrant heartbeat. Day after day I couldn’t wait to see him, to smell him, to feel him around. I felt so shaking  every time I was about to see him. I remember the first time we arranged a meeting, the first time we saw each other for a specific reason and that night when it all began…

I knew he’s about to leave and I felt more sad each day as that moment was approaching. I was aware that two long months were ahead of me; he’s gone into the desert where there’s no decent internet signal, no networks, only long working hours day by day. So, we don’t communicate that often.

As I earlier mentioned, there’s a strong connection and a specific feeling that I have regarding to loneliness. Solitude is something that I have acknowledged, until now, as something bad and negative; as an obstacle that keeps my soul and mind blocked and isolated…

After “the love of my life” have had gone away, I got plenty of time to reconsider and rethink and recollect all the missing feelings and thoughts which were put aside due to my silly and emotional half of personality. A dicky id. But, my so far life enemy slapped me in a friendly manner, to tell me that my reasonable self has something to say.

It haven’t even passed 24 hours after he left when I received a message containing that my other half is expecting a baby with a one night stand girl he met months before he met me. Cold sweat splashed me as I phoned a person who’s very close to him and very close to me too. Since I couldn’t reach him…To sum it up – the info was false.

Now we can all pretend like there’s nothing happened. We’re still in a deep love. He’s still not even aware of what have happened. He’s far away. He told me he’s about to earn money for us to get married and to live together. And he is a good man; polite, dedicated and educated. I could say he’s the one…

But my reasonable self woke me up two mornings ago. She was shaking me to wake me up. In panic. Wake up. Wake up. Yes, the pregnant girl is not pregnant. But the problem still floats. What are you going to do with other bad choices he made? With other bad people he’s surrounded; who are now step by step surrounding you?

How about that promiscuous, rude nail artist who he calls his friend? This is not a jealousy attack, no. He wouldn’t cheat on me. But he’d do something worse. He’d humiliate me in front of peasantry by spending time and appreciating a woman who have never had constant life; decent and permanent friends, lovers, boyfriends, the one to who’s been given more than one chance to become educated and she turned it down because she could, who’s rude and impolite and non intelligent. They became close just because she wanted it. He became her alternative choice. She picked him, the one with no criteria; a garbage girl. And he finds it completely fine… No matter how hard he studied and built himself up and succeeded; he let himself to be selected by one who doesn’t even know how to appreciate herself…

I hate you my love, because you’re an idiot.

You keep appreciating non qualities. You’re such an idiot.

And there are many other bad choices you made, bad people you  consciously picked up to be your closest. Some of your friends like to point out how bad relationship experiences you’ve suffered. How many “bad” and “crazy” girlfriends have made you miserable. But dear, I didn’t choose them for you, no one else did. It was you. They ‘re not the problem, but you are.

And now, at this moment, while you’re away and have no idea about anything, your bad choices are haunting me. The false pregnancy and the fact that you actually value someone who disrespects herself. I might even say that you make me sick.

But on the other hand, you do love me. I can feel it. I believe you are honest. But you don’t respect yourself and you expose me to some bad people who’re already evil and malicious. Why do you do this to us? To me? I don’t deserve this. I’m way better than all of them. You’re letting them to do harm to me. You are suffocating me.

Once I roughly told you about a minor conflict I experiences with your nail art idiotic friend and you by  default stepped on her side and cut me out although you haven’t heard it all nor have been there.

You want us to get married and you’re choking me. You’re so far away and I have that feeling that your hands are around my neck. I rather feel indifferent when I see you messaged me than excited as I used to be.

Leave me, love.

My loneliness gave me some space and time to think and to be objective. My loneliness appreciates me more than you do. My loneliness knows how good I am. My loneliness would never expose me to other people who’d do me harm.

When you left I couldn’t stop thinking about the day you’re coming back and I kept imaging your return. I don’t think about it anymore. I’ll probably break your heart. But somehow, you’ve already done that to mine…

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Time for loneliness, already?

Once I wrote about my fear of getting infected after a needle stab and one of my readers wrote me an exhaustive comment about it and my perception of it, how I saw it distorted when I talked about fear of the death. She wrote me that the death was not actually what I was afraid of but loneliness which foregoes it in that case, was.

In that case, in every case.

There is so much frustration that I carry within myself because things aren’t working out as planned and my time is running out. Not only my time, but everyone’s else. I hate it when I wait for my day to end because I can’t do anything good for myself or for anyone else. That is the same pattern as life passing. Life equals time. If you just sit and watch it goes away you’re already dead.

Life is passing either way, but the time should be spent as best as it could be.

My time is passing in other people’s dirty mouths day by day. They swear, they don’t want to listen, they blame you for things they don’t want to acknowledge etc and that is – fine. It is a job. Some days are great, some other aren’t. But you’re not your job, you finish it and you come home, sit and relax, watch TV, spend some time with your friends.

I am so lonely.

I have time for myself and I can’t share it with anyone. No one wants it.

Couple of times it happened that I was sitting in a company of couple of friends of mine and they were all chit chatting but no one actually asked me how was my day or what am I doing these days but also I couldn’t flow in the type of conversation they were having or ask anyone anything. I just sat there. Those weren’t my topics and I weren’t their participant.

I came back in my town after studies ended and I sadly got it – I have no one here. I can hardly fit in here after all those years. From the moment I came back I just keep facing obstacles where ever I get. I miss Capitol again.

The two closest friends here are those who I love but we simply can’t work out anymore. And I can’t stand it. Sometimes I have the feeling that they are eating me.

Today I cried a lot. I can’t explain why. It just happened. I’m so unsatisfied. And that dissatisfaction comes from my loneliness. I can’t pretend to be someone else just to fit in. I saw that I’m different from my two friends but I never wanted for those differences to become barriers. I always tried to encourage them to finish their studies once and for all, to feel pretty and to be more confident and be more free spirited and less closed minded, to smile more and be funny a little more, but no, every time I’d try to propose some reasonable change or thing to do they’d just slap me down with some idiotic excuse like: “we don’t deserve a good time”, “we are not pretty and attractive enough”, “no one likes us”, “we’re transparent for other boys”, “everyone’s avoiding us”, “we don’t have good company”, “we shouldn’t go anywhere”, “oh, no, I don’t know what to do with my exams, I hope it will be finished soon”,”we’re so unsuccessful” etc.

What irritates me the most is the thing that all of their insecurities are named under the same “WE”. There’s no us. I’m not ugly, I’m not unattractive, I’m not lazy, I’m not stupid and I do deserve a quality free time. I do a job for no money that can at some point become high risky and often is stressful, because all of their (patient’s) screams and tensity I carry with myself and live with it although I can’t actually feel it at it’s fullest now. I’m not sitting at home and waiting for my time to pass while I avoid studying for the exams that should’ve been done long time ago. No one’d give me that amount of money in exchange for doing nothing about it. I have no time for myself because I can’t sit alone in a bar or travel alone to relax myself. I need people who’d encourage me and also those who’d accept my help and advice and accept it as something good. I don’t want to put anyone down and I hate when someone is doing it to me just because they’re too lazy to change themselves into something better. It’s easier to think that you’re ugly and unsuccessful and just let things be as they are; if they fix by themselves – oh, goody; if they don’t – oh, misery, I’ll die alone feeding ten cats.

I hate lack of action. I hate when people don’t want to take care of themselves. I hate when they’re lazy and blame all the others for their own misery, but at the same point they’re stressing their closest people. Why do you tell me that you’re ugly, that WE’re ugly, unsuccessful, saw as transparent by other males? Whenever I mention how I miss Capitol one of them says to me: “Well, it’s not like you actually enjoyed there, you never found a partner there, right?” Is it all there is? A partner? The Capitol is not a personal ad, a finding mate site or something like that.

“We shouldn’t go anywhere, we don’t deserve it. We never went farther than town outskirts” – it is the answer whenever I suggest that we should go somewhere for a weekend or a vacation, but at the same time they point at people who actually do travel or spend their time in a suitable way.

I see it as a constant circle of underrating. It is not ok to underestimate yourself but if you do it, then do it to yourself but don’t do it to other one who’s trying to help you in a decent way.

You’re throwing away your precious time because it is easier for you to complain than to do something about it and when it comes to male problem, then you say you’re unattractive. OF course you are. You have nothing to say, nothing good or interesting. You lived in the City for five years and you still can’t name the streets from the old neighbourhood and not to mention something more that was offered there. And after all the advice I gave to you to help you feel better and activate yourself a little bit, all you’ve done was griping me how transparent, ugly and stupid WE are. I have to carry it all out, all those complaints, misery and bad mood, because YOU don’t want to do something to change it.

Last night, one of them told me: “people are avoiding us, like they’re running away from us”. If you ask me, right now – I would run away from you.


 

I feel so alone. Besides feeling alone I also feel like I’m doing things the wrong way. I have strong will to leave this town. I’ve never felt more alone and miserable than I am now. I miss company. The one I once had. I miss so many things and I can’t find them here. And somehow if I stay here I’ll drown. More than anything I’d like to live the life in the Capitol as I used to.

Writing here helps me keep myself together. I have to tell it, to write it down, to analyse it. It’s never unsolvable. But the time flies. It’s one of my greatest fears. I don’t want to regret anything. There are lots of things out there that can be experienced and felt and many people are waiting to be met. I’m afraid of pointless wait. Chances are all around us and it is sad if they’re being willingly missed.

I need someone. One person. One good person who’d be nice to me, who’d appreciate me. Who’d see options instead of dead ends. Who’d live for the moment the same way that I would. I don’t even know who I miss actually. It’s 5:30 already…