Dear solitude

After years of solitude I have finally found what I called love, excitement, passion and a vibrant heartbeat. Day after day I couldn’t wait to see him, to smell him, to feel him around. I felt so shaking  every time I was about to see him. I remember the first time we arranged a meeting, the first time we saw each other for a specific reason and that night when it all began…

I knew he’s about to leave and I felt more sad each day as that moment was approaching. I was aware that two long months were ahead of me; he’s gone into the desert where there’s no decent internet signal, no networks, only long working hours day by day. So, we don’t communicate that often.

As I earlier mentioned, there’s a strong connection and a specific feeling that I have regarding to loneliness. Solitude is something that I have acknowledged, until now, as something bad and negative; as an obstacle that keeps my soul and mind blocked and isolated…

After “the love of my life” have had gone away, I got plenty of time to reconsider and rethink and recollect all the missing feelings and thoughts which were put aside due to my silly and emotional half of personality. A dicky id. But, my so far life enemy slapped me in a friendly manner, to tell me that my reasonable self has something to say.

It haven’t even passed 24 hours after he left when I received a message containing that my other half is expecting a baby with a one night stand girl he met months before he met me. Cold sweat splashed me as I phoned a person who’s very close to him and very close to me too. Since I couldn’t reach him…To sum it up – the info was false.

Now we can all pretend like there’s nothing happened. We’re still in a deep love. He’s still not even aware of what have happened. He’s far away. He told me he’s about to earn money for us to get married and to live together. And he is a good man; polite, dedicated and educated. I could say he’s the one…

But my reasonable self woke me up two mornings ago. She was shaking me to wake me up. In panic. Wake up. Wake up. Yes, the pregnant girl is not pregnant. But the problem still floats. What are you going to do with other bad choices he made? With other bad people he’s surrounded; who are now step by step surrounding you?

How about that promiscuous, rude nail artist who he calls his friend? This is not a jealousy attack, no. He wouldn’t cheat on me. But he’d do something worse. He’d humiliate me in front of peasantry by spending time and appreciating a woman who have never had constant life; decent and permanent friends, lovers, boyfriends, the one to who’s been given more than one chance to become educated and she turned it down because she could, who’s rude and impolite and non intelligent. They became close just because she wanted it. He became her alternative choice. She picked him, the one with no criteria; a garbage girl. And he finds it completely fine… No matter how hard he studied and built himself up and succeeded; he let himself to be selected by one who doesn’t even know how to appreciate herself…

I hate you my love, because you’re an idiot.

You keep appreciating non qualities. You’re such an idiot.

And there are many other bad choices you made, bad people you  consciously picked up to be your closest. Some of your friends like to point out how bad relationship experiences you’ve suffered. How many “bad” and “crazy” girlfriends have made you miserable. But dear, I didn’t choose them for you, no one else did. It was you. They ‘re not the problem, but you are.

And now, at this moment, while you’re away and have no idea about anything, your bad choices are haunting me. The false pregnancy and the fact that you actually value someone who disrespects herself. I might even say that you make me sick.

But on the other hand, you do love me. I can feel it. I believe you are honest. But you don’t respect yourself and you expose me to some bad people who’re already evil and malicious. Why do you do this to us? To me? I don’t deserve this. I’m way better than all of them. You’re letting them to do harm to me. You are suffocating me.

Once I roughly told you about a minor conflict I experiences with your nail art idiotic friend and you by  default stepped on her side and cut me out although you haven’t heard it all nor have been there.

You want us to get married and you’re choking me. You’re so far away and I have that feeling that your hands are around my neck. I rather feel indifferent when I see you messaged me than excited as I used to be.

Leave me, love.

My loneliness gave me some space and time to think and to be objective. My loneliness appreciates me more than you do. My loneliness knows how good I am. My loneliness would never expose me to other people who’d do me harm.

When you left I couldn’t stop thinking about the day you’re coming back and I kept imaging your return. I don’t think about it anymore. I’ll probably break your heart. But somehow, you’ve already done that to mine…



Today I’ve met my cousin. She’s 6 years older than me. We were so bonded during growing up, but then we kind of split when she got married and later on gave a birth to her son. We’re still in contact but it’s not as it’s used to be. I remember our best times were during my high school. I adored her so much and wanted to be just like her. Somehow I achieved that, we’re physically very similar. We do look alike. And we got each other pretty well during these times, but something occurred today that wasn’t actually the thing I expected.

She told me: “Listen, I’ve met one guy today, he’s my client, I think he’s good for you, a bit clumsy, I think he never had a girlfriend before, but he’s ok.”

There’s a phrase in my language that can be used for many stuff, including seducing people and fixing their teeth. As my cousin used it, at first I though she found me a patient. But no, she found a groom.

I believe today she became just a cousin. Like all the others who just point their eyes on youngsters and wait for the wedding bells.

Why is that necessarily? Is there some other person, a partner that represents me best than I represent myself? Do I even exist if I’m single?

As I wrote before, I have difficulties fitting back in the frame of my hometown. This is one of them.

Most of the people who are my age face the same problem – we are all single. And it’s not changing. But that is not what really bothers me. The problem is a concept of personal space and borders. A partner is something personal. A person that I choose by myself, by my own idea. Once I’ve read in a certain book that everyone has a pattern. A pattern of life companion. It is something unique and highly specific. Not anyone can fit in and even if fits it’s not actually that precise. People must make some compromises and care for each other in order for their relationship to work.

So, basically everyone knows what’s best for themselves. In my case, I’ve never doubted it. Although I miss man and I miss support provided by partner, I never talk about it openly. It’s  too much and pointless. But I really get the feeling that when someone is trying to connect me with other person actually doesn’t appreciate me much and thinks of me as of someone incompetent to find a suitable partner. You can’t do it by force. I may sound harsh, but it’s not my way of meeting a partner. Sure, there are relationships that lasted for a lifetime and were started just like that. But I believe that in order for it to last, you must find something in someone that is precious for you, someone who may fit your pattern by his characteristics and the way of thinking. There’s no way that someone else would instruct you how to think or feel or to tell you who you really are; to tell you who is the one you seek.

I stopped seeking.

It bothers me less than actually seeking for someone. After so many bad experiences, I just give up. If he’s there he’ll pop-up. If not, life goes on, as it does everyday.

I feel some kind of emptiness. And it is so hard for it to shrink. So hard that I sometimes think – is it real that I’m so unattractive? Is it true that I can’t fit in someone’s pattern even a little bit? What are those disgusting characteristics that make people not even consider me? Am I that bad that I make other people feel sorry for me so they try to find me a person to love and to live with?

And all those questions later pull out marriage issues. I must find someone to marry and I must live with him no matter what as everyone else must and if there’s something wrong that should be pushed under the carpet in order for “family” to look great in it’s own failure. That’s how it works not only in my own family, but also in my broader family. Talking about patterns we all live the same, and now they’re pushing me to continue that tradition. It is still a quite shame to divorce or to star all over. It is even worse if you remain maiden…

No dogs in Heaven!

Since I liked this story a lot, I had need to share it with the rest of the anglosaxon speaking world. You may heard it already somewhere, but here it is again:

An old man and his dog were walking down a hot, dusty road lined with a beautiful white fence on both sides. As they walked along, the old man and his dog became very thirsty and tired.

Soon, they came to a gate in the fence where, on the other side, they saw a nice grassy, wooded area surrounding a cool clear pool of fresh water. “Just where a thirsty ‘huntin’ dog and a man would like to rest!” thought the old man. But there was a sign over the gate that read “No Dogs” so they walked on.

Further on, they came upon a man in flowing white robes standing just inside a strong iron gate across a path that led to a beautiful, sunny meadow with a cool clear stream running through it.

“‘Scuse me Sir,” said the old man, “My dog and I have been on this road all day. Mind if we come in and sit in the shade for awhile?” “Of course!” The man said. “Come on in and rest. You look thirsty and tired.” The old man said, “We sure are!” and started through the gate with his dog.

The gatekeeper stopped him. “Sorry, you can come in but your dog can’t come with you. “You see, this is Heaven, and dogs aren’t allowed here. He has to stay out here on the road.” “What kind of Heaven won’t allow dogs?” said the old man. “Well, if he can’t come in, then I’ll stay out here on the road with him. He’s been my faithful companion all his life and I won’t desert him now.”

“Suit yourself,” said the gatekeeper, “but I have to warn you, the Devil’s on this road and he’ll try to sweet talk you into his place. He’ll promise you anything, but dogs can’t go there either. If you won’t leave that dog on the road, you’ll spend all Eternity on the road with him. Better if you stay here.”

“Well, I’m stayin’ with my dog,” replied the man and he and the dog walked on. Gradually, the fence became more and more faded and rundown until they finally reached a spot where the boards fell away completely leaving a gap. Another man dressed in old, ragged clothes sat just inside the broken fence under a shady tree.

“‘Scuse me Sir,” said the old man, “My dog and I have been on this road all day. Mind if we come in and sit in the shade for awhile?” “Of course!” The man said. “Come on in and rest. There’s some cold water here under the tree. Make yourself comfortable.”

The old man paused, “but what about my dog? Can he can come in, too? The man up the road said dogs weren’t allowed here, and they had to stay on the road.” The other man answered, “Well, you look pretty tired and thirsty. Would you come in here and rest if you had to leave that dog?”

“No sir!” the old man replied, “A glass of cold water and some shade would be mighty fine right about now but I won’t come in if my buddy here can’t come too. I didn’t go to Heaven because my dog couldn’t come with me, so I sure as how ain’t about to go to Hell without him neither.”

The man smiled and said, “Welcome to Heaven, and bring your dog!” The old man exclaimed, “You mean this is Heaven? And my dog can come with me? Then why did that fellow down the road say they weren’t allowed in Heaven?” The man replied, “That was the Devil and he gets all the souls who are willing to give up a life-long companion for small comfort because they think it will make their lives a little easier.”

The man continued, “They soon find out their mistake, but, then it’s too late. The dogs come here, the fickle people stay there. God wouldn’t allow dogs to be banned from Heaven. After all, He created them to be man’s companions in life, why would he separate them in death?”

Isn’t that the best story you’ve ever read?

It represents an average man in it’s own shallowness. Not the old one from the story himself, but man in general.

But the dog, loyal and emotional can’t actually see. It is not just a dog, but anyone being put in a position of a good friend.

How far can we go accomplishing our own goals, delusively believing that “there is no other way”?

How many people suffer then in order for one to succeed?

Is there justice, standing with her eyes folded, holding scales in one of her hands and a sword in another?


People, be good owners to your pets. Love them and sing to them 🙂

Psi ne idu u raj!

Ovo je jedna odlična priča koju sam davno čula. Ide ovako:

Jednog dana jedan starac i njegov pas su išli stazom prašnjavom i vrelom, oivičenom belom ogradicom. Odjednom postaše veoma žedni i umorni.

Ubrzo su naišli na kapiju koja je vodila u lepo, travnato prostranstvo, puno drveća na obodima jezerceta sveže vode. “Pravo mesto za odmor žednog psa i njegovog gazde!” – pomisli starac. Ali znak na kapiji je bio jasan – “Zabranjeno za pse”, pa su nastavili dalje.

Nastaviši dalje, sreli su čoveka u belim haljinama koji je stajao ispod velike, olovne kapije koja je vodila u divnu, sunčanu poljanu kroz koju je proticao potok hladne vode.

“Oprostite”, reče starac, “moj pas i ja smo na putu ceo dan. Da li bi Vam smetalo da sednemo u hlad na kratko?” – “Naravno”, odgovori mu čovek. “Uđi i osveži se. Izgledaš žedno i umorno”.

“Nego šta smo!”, odgovori starac dok je sa svojim psom prilazio kapiji.

Ali, čovek u belom ga zaustavi. “Možeš da nastaviš, ali bez psa. Znaš, ovo je Raj, psima ovde nije mesto. On mora ostati na putu.”

“Kakav to Raj ne prima pse?”, upita starac. ” Pošto on ne može unutra, ja ostajem sa njim ovde. Bio mi je veran čitavog života, neću da ga napustim sada.”

“Kako hoćeš” odgovori mu čuvar, “ali znaj da ovim putem luta Đavo. Pokušaće svojom slatkorečivošću da te namami u Pakao. Obećaće ti sve, ali ni tamo ne mogu psi. Ne napustiš li tog psa, provešćeš Večnost na ovom putu lutajući sa njim. Bolje ostani ovde.”

“Ipak ostajem sa svojim psom”, odgovori starac nastavljajući put. Odlazeći, kapija iza njih je bledela dok nije potpuno propala ostavljajući prazninu.

Drugi čovek, obučen u staru, poderanu odeću, sedeo je pod hladom drveta, unutar neugledne, propale kapije.

“Oprostite”, obrati se starac, “moj pas i ja smo na ovom putu čitav dan. Da li će vam smetati ako se malo osvežimo i odmorimo u vašem hladu?”

“Nikako”, odgovori čovek. “Uđite i odmorite se. Ima i hladne vode ispod drveta. Osećajte se kao kod kuće.”

Starac zastade. “Ali šta da radim sa psom? Da li i on sme da uđe? Čovek koga smo sreli uz put me je upozorio da je psima zabranjeno da uđu i da moraju da ostanu na putu.”

“Izgledaš prilično umorno i žedno”, odgovori mu čovek. “Da li bi ušao ovde da moraš da ostaviš psa?”

“Ne, gospodine”, reče starac. “Čaša hladne vode i malo hlada bi mi dobro došli u ovom trenutku, ali ne ulazim ako ne može i moj drugar. Kako nisam otišao u Raj, jer on nije mogao sa mnom, tako ni u Pakao ne idem bez njega.”

“Dobrodošli u Raj!”, nasmeja se čovek, “I povedite psa!”

“Kažete ovo je Raj?”, uzviknu čovek, “I mogu da povedem psa? Ali zašto je čuvar u belom rekao da psi ne idu u Raj?”

“To je bio Đavo. On skuplja duše onih koji se odriču prijatelja zarad sitnog zadovoljstva”, reče čovek. “Ubrzo shvate da su pogrešili, ali tada već bude kasno. Psi dolaze ovde, a prevrtljivi ljudi ostaju tamo. Bog nikada ne bi dozvolio da psi budu nepoželjni u Raju. Na kraju krajeva, napravio ih je čovekovim vernim pratiocem za života, zašto bi ih onda razdvajao u smrti?”

Zanimljiva i poučna priča o čoveku i njegovom psu. U naznakama stoji da je zasnovana na epizodi Zone sumraka. Završetak je malo “kliše”, ali ideja je sjajna.  Jedna je od mojih omiljenih iako prevod na srpski zvanično ne postoji.

Opisuje čoveka onakvim kakav on zaista jeste – promenljiv i nestalan. Prema sebi i prema drugima. Pas, emotivan i zavisan, ne vidi i ne shvata. Ali nije samo pas, već i svaki drugi čovek, stavljen u svojstvo prijatelja.

Poverenje košta. Stoga se ne kaže bez razloga “Čovek je čoveku vuk”.

Koliko daleko možemo da idemo u ostvarenju svojih ciljeva, u stanju kada mislimo da se “borimo za goli život”, koliko njih ispašta za jednog čoveka i da li pravda zaista negde čeka vezanih očiju, sa vagom u jednoj, a mačem u drugoj ruci? Koliko je zaista dostižna?


Budite dobri vlasnici svojim psima, dragi ljudi. Volite ih i pevajte im ❤


As many other phenomenon brought out by Eastern cultures, accepted by Western cultures and presented as something only theirs, unique and unrepeatable at the same time degraded as a three-years-old toy.

I’ve been loving it at 13s, at 23s and now at 26s. The only path that is fair enough which brings me back to the point I started at without a fear of falling out and breaking my neck.


They used to say that the term of carousel is highly related to cavalierly and knighthood. During 12th century Turkish and Arabian army forces came up with a new drill which required extreme horsemanship. The horsemen would ride horses in circles while throwing and fetching a ball. The rule said that the ball shouldn’t be dropped down. Later on, Crusades brought this kind of fun on European land with minor differences in rules of the game – horseman would take of a ring places between two columns. This kind of fun soon repressed jousting.

 Anyways, lets get back into the circle.

Everyone enjoyed it – ladies, children, youth; not only aristocracy but common men also.

It was usually seen at fairs. Coaches and wooden horses would be manufactured during winter months, and as the warmer days turned up the whole construction would built up and ran up by animals pulling platforms. Sometimes men would do the same instead. .


By the end of the 19th century carousel was ran by steam engine and coaches and horses would go up and down. In the 20th century it was modernized using electrical engine, more comfortable coaches and unique carousel melody.

Going circles for someone has no further meaning, no sense at all, but not a single moment can be lived twice. Circle is never straight lined since life is not about geometry. But we can keep it straight. Every time is a new beginning; from another perspective the same thing can look quite different. Repeating you learn. There’s no going back, although carousel is a round trip.
I like circles. I like beginnings and endings. Never half and never pointless.