Conjugate

In Hungarian many things are so complicated but logically explained and there’s a reason for almost everything happening as it is.

Teacher once told me: “You must have heard how they say ‘I love you’ “. But I didn’t. I have never heard. I knew how to count before attended my first lesson, but I never thought of saying ‘I love you’ on Hungarian. So she told me the word and said that everyone keep repeating it but no one actually asks why is it written and pronounced like that.

Szeretlek looks like this in 3rd conjugation because this one is used when explaining relation between subject and object. In other words, it demands an object in order to be used like this.

Love, same as 3rd conjugation demands an object and it’s funny how grammar and life interfere like this.

Talking about life I keep asking myself questions. And I keep thinking is it real to be like this. Where is that love and where is that demanded object?

I only keep finding objects with no relations between me and it and there is of course no love and no conjugation at all. What is wrong with conjugations and which one is  it now?

Talking with my friends it seems like we all have the same problem. Somehow it is always indefinite. It is so indefinite that in the end it stops existing. When one tries to make it definite they get to know the painful truth – won’t gonna happen. And that is pattern which keeps repeating.

My question is – what are people really looking for in each others? What makes the other so unworthy to you?

I don’t believe that men are afraid of successful women. If he likes you – he likes you. But I don’t know where have that love gone and when is it going to come back to all of us.

There are so many things that I’m good at. I’m not sure if it delights them or scares them. But I just want someone who’d be nice to me and love and respect me. To ask me out, to date me, to have plans with me, to love me. Szeretlek. To be someone’s object.

And I keep missing him. I missed him so many times. I’ll be out of ammunition if I keep it this way but somehow I don’t see the solution. Where is my definite object?

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Harts are dying alone

Today I decided to write about something different.

Something very worth of talking and thinking of happened to me.

As I wrote in my pervious posts I tend to suffer a lot due to new surrounding issues; although after year and a half I’m not quite sure how can it be named “new”. Yesterday I attended one six-year-old birthday party and I expected for it to be dull. Bunch of kids and some grown ups watching over them. I’d be sitting with my cousins and chit chatting. At some point one of my cousins whispered to me: “There’s Hart”.

And there I saw her holding her phone and making that I-m-overseeing-you face. That’s my aunt Hart. We’re not so close related but we see each other during some family reunions. “I was about to type you a message”, she told me.

Hart’s a silent rebel. Even during her childhood or even toddler years she tend to be different. During her life in Mostar when she was about 4 years old she got bored in kindergarten so she asked her teacher to let her go home. The teacher said: “yeah right, of course you can go ha-ha”. So my aunt got out and took a bus back home. It was a mess later but taking a closer look everything was legit: she asked, they gave her permission to leave, so she left. So my aunt accepted the pattern she made by herself and still uses it. She’s successful, she has a kid, she’s divorced. She’s doing what she likes, no one is getting hurt. Except herself sometimes.

Yesterday we talked a lot about life. We started as chatting about her trip to Belize, but soon we concluded a lot about ourselves. I like her because she talks about things freely and openly. She’s a complete free spirit. There are no taboos or forbidden subjects and everything is logical and has a purpose. We talked about pole dance, how she was thrilled when she saw my videos, when tried it. That’s  what I call a pole dance filter for people. And we discussed some relationship topics, I told her how bad I feel after all those fails, how I can’t find a suitable partner, or better said a partner at all. Like they’re just running away from me. And then she told me to stop and pointed out my good sides and things I’m good at. And that’s what I haven’t heard for so long from anyone. Someone who sees me as a good and pretty and successful and unlike others. And it meant to me after all those tries of the people who are my closest to lure me into some things I don’t like, things which would compress my qualities and make me less worthy and less happy. Finally someone in this town who sees me.

She’s divorced, she does what she wants, she’s successful. But she is very sad. What kind of touched me yesterday was when she told me that she’d like to see a therapist. I don’t see it as a bad thing, but contrary. But somehow in her voice I could hear like she’s got sick of it all. I don’t actually know what that “all” is, but somehow I can understand her.  The rest of our family doesn’t actually appreciate her a lot. My mother and her sisters first. She’s their cousin. They like her because she’s good, but mainly they like to point at her “bad” sides. That bad is the fact she lives with no limitations. The first bad thing is that she’s divorced. You know, it is a disgrace to live alone with a child. Even more disgraceful than living a life with a molester for example, because if you’re living with any man in any house, neglecting your children, that means it is good because you fulfilled some idiotic pattern and it is even better if others see it. Basically you do have a family. You did it. You might suffer but, keep it quiet, because who knows what other people would say about it… The second thing they hate about her is that she travels a lot. Who’d be traveling a lot and being divorced at the same time plus having a child?! Rubbish. She’s unleashed! It is such a shame! Such a, such a shame.

There are many things that people are resenting her, but the thing is that while doing all that stuff she actually doesn’t hurt anyone. So I can’t really understand why is she such a bad person. She’s the rare one who appreciate other people’s good characteristics. She sees quality instead of flaws in everyone, although we have it all. And that is what I need to hear sometimes, that not everyone is bad.

She’s suppressed so much. She suffers. I can see myself in her. I’m growing up into her.

Summing all of this I can only conclude that the world is one wrong place, where it is alright to push yourself down in order to fit in some life pattern made by average people. Also it is acceptable to do harm to others in order to succeed and be jelaous of others who are better than you are; to point out flaws and make people feel miserable because of it; to lessen other people’s success and most of all to exclude all those who are different.

Finding yourself is so hard. In the end it can break you.

Deer (hart) is an endangered specie here, although it doesn’t maybe seem like it. People are killing them because of their hornets and fur which is used to be bragged about. From this perspective deer is loosing his fight against man which he’s been made to join in order to survive. Deer doesn’t want to fight. He lives in the nature, far away from people. He hurts no one. And still he’s being killed… Often people like to take pictures of dead animal after killing it and posting it on facebook or other sites. It looks like they’ve done one great thing. Even if they have, is it really necessary?

Time for loneliness, already?

Once I wrote about my fear of getting infected after a needle stab and one of my readers wrote me an exhaustive comment about it and my perception of it, how I saw it distorted when I talked about fear of the death. She wrote me that the death was not actually what I was afraid of but loneliness which foregoes it in that case, was.

In that case, in every case.

There is so much frustration that I carry within myself because things aren’t working out as planned and my time is running out. Not only my time, but everyone’s else. I hate it when I wait for my day to end because I can’t do anything good for myself or for anyone else. That is the same pattern as life passing. Life equals time. If you just sit and watch it goes away you’re already dead.

Life is passing either way, but the time should be spent as best as it could be.

My time is passing in other people’s dirty mouths day by day. They swear, they don’t want to listen, they blame you for things they don’t want to acknowledge etc and that is – fine. It is a job. Some days are great, some other aren’t. But you’re not your job, you finish it and you come home, sit and relax, watch TV, spend some time with your friends.

I am so lonely.

I have time for myself and I can’t share it with anyone. No one wants it.

Couple of times it happened that I was sitting in a company of couple of friends of mine and they were all chit chatting but no one actually asked me how was my day or what am I doing these days but also I couldn’t flow in the type of conversation they were having or ask anyone anything. I just sat there. Those weren’t my topics and I weren’t their participant.

I came back in my town after studies ended and I sadly got it – I have no one here. I can hardly fit in here after all those years. From the moment I came back I just keep facing obstacles where ever I get. I miss Capitol again.

The two closest friends here are those who I love but we simply can’t work out anymore. And I can’t stand it. Sometimes I have the feeling that they are eating me.

Today I cried a lot. I can’t explain why. It just happened. I’m so unsatisfied. And that dissatisfaction comes from my loneliness. I can’t pretend to be someone else just to fit in. I saw that I’m different from my two friends but I never wanted for those differences to become barriers. I always tried to encourage them to finish their studies once and for all, to feel pretty and to be more confident and be more free spirited and less closed minded, to smile more and be funny a little more, but no, every time I’d try to propose some reasonable change or thing to do they’d just slap me down with some idiotic excuse like: “we don’t deserve a good time”, “we are not pretty and attractive enough”, “no one likes us”, “we’re transparent for other boys”, “everyone’s avoiding us”, “we don’t have good company”, “we shouldn’t go anywhere”, “oh, no, I don’t know what to do with my exams, I hope it will be finished soon”,”we’re so unsuccessful” etc.

What irritates me the most is the thing that all of their insecurities are named under the same “WE”. There’s no us. I’m not ugly, I’m not unattractive, I’m not lazy, I’m not stupid and I do deserve a quality free time. I do a job for no money that can at some point become high risky and often is stressful, because all of their (patient’s) screams and tensity I carry with myself and live with it although I can’t actually feel it at it’s fullest now. I’m not sitting at home and waiting for my time to pass while I avoid studying for the exams that should’ve been done long time ago. No one’d give me that amount of money in exchange for doing nothing about it. I have no time for myself because I can’t sit alone in a bar or travel alone to relax myself. I need people who’d encourage me and also those who’d accept my help and advice and accept it as something good. I don’t want to put anyone down and I hate when someone is doing it to me just because they’re too lazy to change themselves into something better. It’s easier to think that you’re ugly and unsuccessful and just let things be as they are; if they fix by themselves – oh, goody; if they don’t – oh, misery, I’ll die alone feeding ten cats.

I hate lack of action. I hate when people don’t want to take care of themselves. I hate when they’re lazy and blame all the others for their own misery, but at the same point they’re stressing their closest people. Why do you tell me that you’re ugly, that WE’re ugly, unsuccessful, saw as transparent by other males? Whenever I mention how I miss Capitol one of them says to me: “Well, it’s not like you actually enjoyed there, you never found a partner there, right?” Is it all there is? A partner? The Capitol is not a personal ad, a finding mate site or something like that.

“We shouldn’t go anywhere, we don’t deserve it. We never went farther than town outskirts” – it is the answer whenever I suggest that we should go somewhere for a weekend or a vacation, but at the same time they point at people who actually do travel or spend their time in a suitable way.

I see it as a constant circle of underrating. It is not ok to underestimate yourself but if you do it, then do it to yourself but don’t do it to other one who’s trying to help you in a decent way.

You’re throwing away your precious time because it is easier for you to complain than to do something about it and when it comes to male problem, then you say you’re unattractive. OF course you are. You have nothing to say, nothing good or interesting. You lived in the City for five years and you still can’t name the streets from the old neighbourhood and not to mention something more that was offered there. And after all the advice I gave to you to help you feel better and activate yourself a little bit, all you’ve done was griping me how transparent, ugly and stupid WE are. I have to carry it all out, all those complaints, misery and bad mood, because YOU don’t want to do something to change it.

Last night, one of them told me: “people are avoiding us, like they’re running away from us”. If you ask me, right now – I would run away from you.


 

I feel so alone. Besides feeling alone I also feel like I’m doing things the wrong way. I have strong will to leave this town. I’ve never felt more alone and miserable than I am now. I miss company. The one I once had. I miss so many things and I can’t find them here. And somehow if I stay here I’ll drown. More than anything I’d like to live the life in the Capitol as I used to.

Writing here helps me keep myself together. I have to tell it, to write it down, to analyse it. It’s never unsolvable. But the time flies. It’s one of my greatest fears. I don’t want to regret anything. There are lots of things out there that can be experienced and felt and many people are waiting to be met. I’m afraid of pointless wait. Chances are all around us and it is sad if they’re being willingly missed.

I need someone. One person. One good person who’d be nice to me, who’d appreciate me. Who’d see options instead of dead ends. Who’d live for the moment the same way that I would. I don’t even know who I miss actually. It’s 5:30 already…

Tripping

Today I’ve met my cousin. She’s 6 years older than me. We were so bonded during growing up, but then we kind of split when she got married and later on gave a birth to her son. We’re still in contact but it’s not as it’s used to be. I remember our best times were during my high school. I adored her so much and wanted to be just like her. Somehow I achieved that, we’re physically very similar. We do look alike. And we got each other pretty well during these times, but something occurred today that wasn’t actually the thing I expected.

She told me: “Listen, I’ve met one guy today, he’s my client, I think he’s good for you, a bit clumsy, I think he never had a girlfriend before, but he’s ok.”

There’s a phrase in my language that can be used for many stuff, including seducing people and fixing their teeth. As my cousin used it, at first I though she found me a patient. But no, she found a groom.

I believe today she became just a cousin. Like all the others who just point their eyes on youngsters and wait for the wedding bells.

Why is that necessarily? Is there some other person, a partner that represents me best than I represent myself? Do I even exist if I’m single?

As I wrote before, I have difficulties fitting back in the frame of my hometown. This is one of them.

Most of the people who are my age face the same problem – we are all single. And it’s not changing. But that is not what really bothers me. The problem is a concept of personal space and borders. A partner is something personal. A person that I choose by myself, by my own idea. Once I’ve read in a certain book that everyone has a pattern. A pattern of life companion. It is something unique and highly specific. Not anyone can fit in and even if fits it’s not actually that precise. People must make some compromises and care for each other in order for their relationship to work.

So, basically everyone knows what’s best for themselves. In my case, I’ve never doubted it. Although I miss man and I miss support provided by partner, I never talk about it openly. It’s  too much and pointless. But I really get the feeling that when someone is trying to connect me with other person actually doesn’t appreciate me much and thinks of me as of someone incompetent to find a suitable partner. You can’t do it by force. I may sound harsh, but it’s not my way of meeting a partner. Sure, there are relationships that lasted for a lifetime and were started just like that. But I believe that in order for it to last, you must find something in someone that is precious for you, someone who may fit your pattern by his characteristics and the way of thinking. There’s no way that someone else would instruct you how to think or feel or to tell you who you really are; to tell you who is the one you seek.

I stopped seeking.

It bothers me less than actually seeking for someone. After so many bad experiences, I just give up. If he’s there he’ll pop-up. If not, life goes on, as it does everyday.

I feel some kind of emptiness. And it is so hard for it to shrink. So hard that I sometimes think – is it real that I’m so unattractive? Is it true that I can’t fit in someone’s pattern even a little bit? What are those disgusting characteristics that make people not even consider me? Am I that bad that I make other people feel sorry for me so they try to find me a person to love and to live with?

And all those questions later pull out marriage issues. I must find someone to marry and I must live with him no matter what as everyone else must and if there’s something wrong that should be pushed under the carpet in order for “family” to look great in it’s own failure. That’s how it works not only in my own family, but also in my broader family. Talking about patterns we all live the same, and now they’re pushing me to continue that tradition. It is still a quite shame to divorce or to star all over. It is even worse if you remain maiden…