Harts are dying alone

Today I decided to write about something different.

Something very worth of talking and thinking of happened to me.

As I wrote in my pervious posts I tend to suffer a lot due to new surrounding issues; although after year and a half I’m not quite sure how can it be named “new”. Yesterday I attended one six-year-old birthday party and I expected for it to be dull. Bunch of kids and some grown ups watching over them. I’d be sitting with my cousins and chit chatting. At some point one of my cousins whispered to me: “There’s Hart”.

And there I saw her holding her phone and making that I-m-overseeing-you face. That’s my aunt Hart. We’re not so close related but we see each other during some family reunions. “I was about to type you a message”, she told me.

Hart’s a silent rebel. Even during her childhood or even toddler years she tend to be different. During her life in Mostar when she was about 4 years old she got bored in kindergarten so she asked her teacher to let her go home. The teacher said: “yeah right, of course you can go ha-ha”. So my aunt got out and took a bus back home. It was a mess later but taking a closer look everything was legit: she asked, they gave her permission to leave, so she left. So my aunt accepted the pattern she made by herself and still uses it. She’s successful, she has a kid, she’s divorced. She’s doing what she likes, no one is getting hurt. Except herself sometimes.

Yesterday we talked a lot about life. We started as chatting about her trip to Belize, but soon we concluded a lot about ourselves. I like her because she talks about things freely and openly. She’s a complete free spirit. There are no taboos or forbidden subjects and everything is logical and has a purpose. We talked about pole dance, how she was thrilled when she saw my videos, when tried it. That’s  what I call a pole dance filter for people. And we discussed some relationship topics, I told her how bad I feel after all those fails, how I can’t find a suitable partner, or better said a partner at all. Like they’re just running away from me. And then she told me to stop and pointed out my good sides and things I’m good at. And that’s what I haven’t heard for so long from anyone. Someone who sees me as a good and pretty and successful and unlike others. And it meant to me after all those tries of the people who are my closest to lure me into some things I don’t like, things which would compress my qualities and make me less worthy and less happy. Finally someone in this town who sees me.

She’s divorced, she does what she wants, she’s successful. But she is very sad. What kind of touched me yesterday was when she told me that she’d like to see a therapist. I don’t see it as a bad thing, but contrary. But somehow in her voice I could hear like she’s got sick of it all. I don’t actually know what that “all” is, but somehow I can understand her.  The rest of our family doesn’t actually appreciate her a lot. My mother and her sisters first. She’s their cousin. They like her because she’s good, but mainly they like to point at her “bad” sides. That bad is the fact she lives with no limitations. The first bad thing is that she’s divorced. You know, it is a disgrace to live alone with a child. Even more disgraceful than living a life with a molester for example, because if you’re living with any man in any house, neglecting your children, that means it is good because you fulfilled some idiotic pattern and it is even better if others see it. Basically you do have a family. You did it. You might suffer but, keep it quiet, because who knows what other people would say about it… The second thing they hate about her is that she travels a lot. Who’d be traveling a lot and being divorced at the same time plus having a child?! Rubbish. She’s unleashed! It is such a shame! Such a, such a shame.

There are many things that people are resenting her, but the thing is that while doing all that stuff she actually doesn’t hurt anyone. So I can’t really understand why is she such a bad person. She’s the rare one who appreciate other people’s good characteristics. She sees quality instead of flaws in everyone, although we have it all. And that is what I need to hear sometimes, that not everyone is bad.

She’s suppressed so much. She suffers. I can see myself in her. I’m growing up into her.

Summing all of this I can only conclude that the world is one wrong place, where it is alright to push yourself down in order to fit in some life pattern made by average people. Also it is acceptable to do harm to others in order to succeed and be jelaous of others who are better than you are; to point out flaws and make people feel miserable because of it; to lessen other people’s success and most of all to exclude all those who are different.

Finding yourself is so hard. In the end it can break you.

Deer (hart) is an endangered specie here, although it doesn’t maybe seem like it. People are killing them because of their hornets and fur which is used to be bragged about. From this perspective deer is loosing his fight against man which he’s been made to join in order to survive. Deer doesn’t want to fight. He lives in the nature, far away from people. He hurts no one. And still he’s being killed… Often people like to take pictures of dead animal after killing it and posting it on facebook or other sites. It looks like they’ve done one great thing. Even if they have, is it really necessary?

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The jar of fractured minds and myself in it

I already explained my point of view of gender issues through my own egalitarianism which emphasizes the idea of tolerance and comprehension which is sex-unrelated. In other words, there’s no purpose of “you being you” if you’re ignorant enough.

As a pole dancer I perceived the whole new dimension of mind and opened thinking. It is true that people see what they want to see. If there in front of you is a typically covered female  dancer who does stunning and demanding exercise on a pole, what is the first thing you think; how do you see her and what exactly do you see?

This question helped me to get the people and filter my social surrounding. The same pattern could be used concerning tattoos, for example. And of course, free person will never judge other one’s expression. I appreciated a lot when a male would approach me and tell me: “Wow, it must be hard, you must be very strong and enduring.” That’s the person who sees me as an athlete who works hard on it’s strength and elegance and understands the effort which is being put in it in order to lift up my whole body and not just that but also understands your expression of inner self. He sees me as someone who cherishes outer image equal as inner.

In the return I regard them as those who see the talent and persistence before attractive body, which, as a matter of fact, is not the goal, but the bonus…

On the other hand, from time to time I hear rude comments made by typical orthodox Kosovo liberators who see me as an immoral male attention drawer and who knows what else.

The “I-m-a-pole-dancer-test” never failed me. If you want to know them, ask them perceptual questions.

Patriarchy never died. It is changing it’s shape constantly as it’s being misused by many. It causes degradation of both man and women. It is a false idea of a man being supreme and woman being underestimated. In conditions like these, male is taught not to appreciate woman’s needs and personality and at the same time to depend on actions she’s doing in his favour and for him instead doing it by himself. And a women convincing that it is right to listen to instructions how to behave, feel and think in order to be accepted and “treated”. The result is a dysfunctional (grown up) man who doesn’t know how to take care of himself but only to expect of others to do it for him, and socially and emotionally challenged woman with imposed rules taken as something usual, expected and right. Those people will never find themselves and they’ll continue the tradition they’ve been taught is right carrying it over to the next generation of narrow-minded.

It is funny how, patriarchy in the same way as feminism emphasizes superiority of one sex over another. Like it is some kind of self defense mechanism (from what?). By pointing out differences in order to prove them as only truth there is they don’t get that it is one thing they have in common and by itself it makes them – equal.