Harts are dying alone

Today I decided to write about something different.

Something very worth of talking and thinking of happened to me.

As I wrote in my pervious posts I tend to suffer a lot due to new surrounding issues; although after year and a half I’m not quite sure how can it be named “new”. Yesterday I attended one six-year-old birthday party and I expected for it to be dull. Bunch of kids and some grown ups watching over them. I’d be sitting with my cousins and chit chatting. At some point one of my cousins whispered to me: “There’s Hart”.

And there I saw her holding her phone and making that I-m-overseeing-you face. That’s my aunt Hart. We’re not so close related but we see each other during some family reunions. “I was about to type you a message”, she told me.

Hart’s a silent rebel. Even during her childhood or even toddler years she tend to be different. During her life in Mostar when she was about 4 years old she got bored in kindergarten so she asked her teacher to let her go home. The teacher said: “yeah right, of course you can go ha-ha”. So my aunt got out and took a bus back home. It was a mess later but taking a closer look everything was legit: she asked, they gave her permission to leave, so she left. So my aunt accepted the pattern she made by herself and still uses it. She’s successful, she has a kid, she’s divorced. She’s doing what she likes, no one is getting hurt. Except herself sometimes.

Yesterday we talked a lot about life. We started as chatting about her trip to Belize, but soon we concluded a lot about ourselves. I like her because she talks about things freely and openly. She’s a complete free spirit. There are no taboos or forbidden subjects and everything is logical and has a purpose. We talked about pole dance, how she was thrilled when she saw my videos, when tried it. That’s  what I call a pole dance filter for people. And we discussed some relationship topics, I told her how bad I feel after all those fails, how I can’t find a suitable partner, or better said a partner at all. Like they’re just running away from me. And then she told me to stop and pointed out my good sides and things I’m good at. And that’s what I haven’t heard for so long from anyone. Someone who sees me as a good and pretty and successful and unlike others. And it meant to me after all those tries of the people who are my closest to lure me into some things I don’t like, things which would compress my qualities and make me less worthy and less happy. Finally someone in this town who sees me.

She’s divorced, she does what she wants, she’s successful. But she is very sad. What kind of touched me yesterday was when she told me that she’d like to see a therapist. I don’t see it as a bad thing, but contrary. But somehow in her voice I could hear like she’s got sick of it all. I don’t actually know what that “all” is, but somehow I can understand her.  The rest of our family doesn’t actually appreciate her a lot. My mother and her sisters first. She’s their cousin. They like her because she’s good, but mainly they like to point at her “bad” sides. That bad is the fact she lives with no limitations. The first bad thing is that she’s divorced. You know, it is a disgrace to live alone with a child. Even more disgraceful than living a life with a molester for example, because if you’re living with any man in any house, neglecting your children, that means it is good because you fulfilled some idiotic pattern and it is even better if others see it. Basically you do have a family. You did it. You might suffer but, keep it quiet, because who knows what other people would say about it… The second thing they hate about her is that she travels a lot. Who’d be traveling a lot and being divorced at the same time plus having a child?! Rubbish. She’s unleashed! It is such a shame! Such a, such a shame.

There are many things that people are resenting her, but the thing is that while doing all that stuff she actually doesn’t hurt anyone. So I can’t really understand why is she such a bad person. She’s the rare one who appreciate other people’s good characteristics. She sees quality instead of flaws in everyone, although we have it all. And that is what I need to hear sometimes, that not everyone is bad.

She’s suppressed so much. She suffers. I can see myself in her. I’m growing up into her.

Summing all of this I can only conclude that the world is one wrong place, where it is alright to push yourself down in order to fit in some life pattern made by average people. Also it is acceptable to do harm to others in order to succeed and be jelaous of others who are better than you are; to point out flaws and make people feel miserable because of it; to lessen other people’s success and most of all to exclude all those who are different.

Finding yourself is so hard. In the end it can break you.

Deer (hart) is an endangered specie here, although it doesn’t maybe seem like it. People are killing them because of their hornets and fur which is used to be bragged about. From this perspective deer is loosing his fight against man which he’s been made to join in order to survive. Deer doesn’t want to fight. He lives in the nature, far away from people. He hurts no one. And still he’s being killed… Often people like to take pictures of dead animal after killing it and posting it on facebook or other sites. It looks like they’ve done one great thing. Even if they have, is it really necessary?

Time for loneliness, already?

Once I wrote about my fear of getting infected after a needle stab and one of my readers wrote me an exhaustive comment about it and my perception of it, how I saw it distorted when I talked about fear of the death. She wrote me that the death was not actually what I was afraid of but loneliness which foregoes it in that case, was.

In that case, in every case.

There is so much frustration that I carry within myself because things aren’t working out as planned and my time is running out. Not only my time, but everyone’s else. I hate it when I wait for my day to end because I can’t do anything good for myself or for anyone else. That is the same pattern as life passing. Life equals time. If you just sit and watch it goes away you’re already dead.

Life is passing either way, but the time should be spent as best as it could be.

My time is passing in other people’s dirty mouths day by day. They swear, they don’t want to listen, they blame you for things they don’t want to acknowledge etc and that is – fine. It is a job. Some days are great, some other aren’t. But you’re not your job, you finish it and you come home, sit and relax, watch TV, spend some time with your friends.

I am so lonely.

I have time for myself and I can’t share it with anyone. No one wants it.

Couple of times it happened that I was sitting in a company of couple of friends of mine and they were all chit chatting but no one actually asked me how was my day or what am I doing these days but also I couldn’t flow in the type of conversation they were having or ask anyone anything. I just sat there. Those weren’t my topics and I weren’t their participant.

I came back in my town after studies ended and I sadly got it – I have no one here. I can hardly fit in here after all those years. From the moment I came back I just keep facing obstacles where ever I get. I miss Capitol again.

The two closest friends here are those who I love but we simply can’t work out anymore. And I can’t stand it. Sometimes I have the feeling that they are eating me.

Today I cried a lot. I can’t explain why. It just happened. I’m so unsatisfied. And that dissatisfaction comes from my loneliness. I can’t pretend to be someone else just to fit in. I saw that I’m different from my two friends but I never wanted for those differences to become barriers. I always tried to encourage them to finish their studies once and for all, to feel pretty and to be more confident and be more free spirited and less closed minded, to smile more and be funny a little more, but no, every time I’d try to propose some reasonable change or thing to do they’d just slap me down with some idiotic excuse like: “we don’t deserve a good time”, “we are not pretty and attractive enough”, “no one likes us”, “we’re transparent for other boys”, “everyone’s avoiding us”, “we don’t have good company”, “we shouldn’t go anywhere”, “oh, no, I don’t know what to do with my exams, I hope it will be finished soon”,”we’re so unsuccessful” etc.

What irritates me the most is the thing that all of their insecurities are named under the same “WE”. There’s no us. I’m not ugly, I’m not unattractive, I’m not lazy, I’m not stupid and I do deserve a quality free time. I do a job for no money that can at some point become high risky and often is stressful, because all of their (patient’s) screams and tensity I carry with myself and live with it although I can’t actually feel it at it’s fullest now. I’m not sitting at home and waiting for my time to pass while I avoid studying for the exams that should’ve been done long time ago. No one’d give me that amount of money in exchange for doing nothing about it. I have no time for myself because I can’t sit alone in a bar or travel alone to relax myself. I need people who’d encourage me and also those who’d accept my help and advice and accept it as something good. I don’t want to put anyone down and I hate when someone is doing it to me just because they’re too lazy to change themselves into something better. It’s easier to think that you’re ugly and unsuccessful and just let things be as they are; if they fix by themselves – oh, goody; if they don’t – oh, misery, I’ll die alone feeding ten cats.

I hate lack of action. I hate when people don’t want to take care of themselves. I hate when they’re lazy and blame all the others for their own misery, but at the same point they’re stressing their closest people. Why do you tell me that you’re ugly, that WE’re ugly, unsuccessful, saw as transparent by other males? Whenever I mention how I miss Capitol one of them says to me: “Well, it’s not like you actually enjoyed there, you never found a partner there, right?” Is it all there is? A partner? The Capitol is not a personal ad, a finding mate site or something like that.

“We shouldn’t go anywhere, we don’t deserve it. We never went farther than town outskirts” – it is the answer whenever I suggest that we should go somewhere for a weekend or a vacation, but at the same time they point at people who actually do travel or spend their time in a suitable way.

I see it as a constant circle of underrating. It is not ok to underestimate yourself but if you do it, then do it to yourself but don’t do it to other one who’s trying to help you in a decent way.

You’re throwing away your precious time because it is easier for you to complain than to do something about it and when it comes to male problem, then you say you’re unattractive. OF course you are. You have nothing to say, nothing good or interesting. You lived in the City for five years and you still can’t name the streets from the old neighbourhood and not to mention something more that was offered there. And after all the advice I gave to you to help you feel better and activate yourself a little bit, all you’ve done was griping me how transparent, ugly and stupid WE are. I have to carry it all out, all those complaints, misery and bad mood, because YOU don’t want to do something to change it.

Last night, one of them told me: “people are avoiding us, like they’re running away from us”. If you ask me, right now – I would run away from you.


 

I feel so alone. Besides feeling alone I also feel like I’m doing things the wrong way. I have strong will to leave this town. I’ve never felt more alone and miserable than I am now. I miss company. The one I once had. I miss so many things and I can’t find them here. And somehow if I stay here I’ll drown. More than anything I’d like to live the life in the Capitol as I used to.

Writing here helps me keep myself together. I have to tell it, to write it down, to analyse it. It’s never unsolvable. But the time flies. It’s one of my greatest fears. I don’t want to regret anything. There are lots of things out there that can be experienced and felt and many people are waiting to be met. I’m afraid of pointless wait. Chances are all around us and it is sad if they’re being willingly missed.

I need someone. One person. One good person who’d be nice to me, who’d appreciate me. Who’d see options instead of dead ends. Who’d live for the moment the same way that I would. I don’t even know who I miss actually. It’s 5:30 already…

Marigold, I hate you

I hate doing this job. I hate the place where I have to spend most of my time. I hate my current superior. I hate.

Since the doctor in whose shift I were volunteering went on a month long vacation I’m forced to spend my shift with Marigold. She’s only couple of years older than I am.

But years aren’t the problem. Years are years. You grow up. You get smarter, wiser. You’re once young and stupid. You learned not to be. Or you didn’t. But it’s your choice.

I hate your subjectivity, Mari. You’re an idiot. You’re not the God. You help people by sticking to clear, substantiated rules, that’s what you do. You don’t choose who to help. You help equally. You’re neutral. You’re white. That’s one of the symbolic purposes of your appearance. You’re above all. You do good. Objective good. Good for all; not God for all.

The first time I saw how ignorant, frustrated, bad and pathetic you were was that time when you didn’t want to write the report for a highschool student who came to your shift right from school because she had a tootache. You fixed her tooth, she was half an hour in your dental office and you didn’t want to write her that report, a document first of all, which proves that she was at your place at the exact time and not somewhere else during lessons, because she was in pain. But you didn’t because your tiny mind can’t acknowledge that it is not about grades, but about taking care of a juvenile individual, who’s not at home and not at school – so where is she? And what disguises me the most is that theatrical way of your abuse of professional position and how you enjoy doing it while regarding those patients as if they’re guilty and not in pain with an inappropriate explanation that you’re not obligated to prove anything for anyone – “why is she coming to me during lessons?”, is your question.

But you see, Mari, it’s not your problem. Your problem is someone’s pain, someone’s swelling, someone’s injury.

And you claim that you do good.

On the other hand Mari, you willingly referred a patient to a specialist under fake diagnosis of a disease he didn’t suffer of at all, just in order for him to pass the health commission and cure the disease he actually suffers for free. After I warned you what you did, you justified yourself as “doing a good thing and helping him”. I don’t want to mention that he’s actually very wealthy and known for it. But, it is not what we should issue. The real issue is – why is he different than that young girl? They are different indeed, but you don’t choose who to help and surely not break the law because of some subjectivity and bright self promotion. And not to say, lack of professionalism.

Beside not stepping on my side during that unclear pain treatment when you took out the tooth I was treating, there’s one ultimately disgusting thing that you did two days ago – you rudely rejected to help a patient who was late for her treatment because of transportation problems, since she’s living in the outskirts and has no car so she could come on time that day. Her bus was late, you were free at the moment, there was one hour still until the end of the shift and you didn’t want to help her. She was in pain, she came with her mother. She’s also a teenager. But you’re an idiot, Mari. You don’t know it, you never will, but you’re an idiot. By what you did, you broke the law. There’re three explicit cases and many referred to criminal acting in medicine. Unwilling to provide medical assistance is one of it Mari and you did it and if I’d told you so, you’d say that I’m exaggerating while rolling your eyes over me as if I’m maundering. We all studied it, but once again – you’re an idiot. You’re an idiot, Mari. You’re such an idiot.

Her mother was angry and insisted us to treat her because even when they’ll be coming back, they’ll have troubles with transportation and buses that are not leaving so often during summertime, and what’s even more important is that the girl’s in pain. Mari ordered me to take the patient and just left outside to smoke. I took the patient and did it in five minutes. I’ve put a medicine in her tooth and scheduled her for the next treatment. It was ended way before the shift.

I felt sad and ashamed of what I have witnessed. It’s not the way which it should be done. It’s not right. Doctor is above it all. He doesn’t choose, he helps if he can.

Calendula officinalis, or in English – Marigold, is broadly used as a traditional medicine by many peoples from ancient times until now on.  It is proved that it reduces inflammation and spasms. It is used for treating skin diseases, eye diseases and digestive problems. It is one helpful plant with curative attributes.

But I hate you Marigold, you make me feel at least uncomfortable while I have to listen to your molesting of others. You did noting to me, but I hate you, I hate you so much that I can’t wait to finish this all and never to see you again. You’re a shame to us, shame to our community, shame to our profession. You’re degrading us consciously, same as many other out there, but I’ve never been so close to someone like you nor someone like you were my supervisor, I hate you so much that I can’t even tell you that, because if I’d do you’d probably think that I’m jealous of you, but you can’t even imagine the number of ways I’d use to avoid becoming you. You’re a disgrace. I can’t even tell you how much I hate you, you wouldn’t get it. You just wouldn’t get it. You’re an idiot, Mari. I hate you.

Faking

Are you capable of taking care of an other human, a baby? Is everyone able to do so? Are you able and humane enough  to take care of others who are around you? Would you expand your family no matter what, even if your children’d be ill? Is the child everything to you? If it is, why is, exactly?

Lately I hear here and there that many women suffer infertility. Being a parent is probably one great feeling which can hardly be substituted by something else. But. What if your genes would be a next apocalypse?

Mentioning this subject many people get offended when I say that artificial children are ill and bad for all of us. Actually, it’s not that they are bad, but those who earned money using their parent’s despair are bad.

We are full of bad genes. To be more precise, we’re full of all kinds of genes. But not every gene will be expressed. There must be some conditions fulfilled in order for a gene to bring out it’s full expression. Some other’s are expressed as they are. And the rest are inactive and hidden, but still there. We are all different because we got different genes expressed. Some of them carry information about hair, height, weight, eye colour, they determine if a person’d be shortsighted, freckled, light tanned etc. But they also carry important information about someone’s general development and general health. Sometimes when two meet and decide to have a family it just won’t work out. They’re incompatible. Eventually, they’re not for each other. Either they get bad offspring or they can’t even get any.

Why does artificial insemination terrify me?

Because it gives a chance to what can’t live by itself, something that is categorized as inadequate by Mother Nature. It’s a Pandora’s box which is setting all the bad genes free. Bad genes which carry information about many rare diseases that are not even studied enough and not to mention treated. They can go silent until an individual concealed by this way reaches full maturity and leaves its own offspring with same genes and even later get expressed, but it’s already late.

Beside mentioned, women pass through series of therapies and take medicines which change their cycle in order for egg cells to be collected. Regarding men, their sperm is being used to collect spermatosoids. But not the best are being collected, but those who can be caught. As it is known, only the fastest spermatosoid will fertilize naturally, because it’s the one that carries the best material. All the others carry bad material and those are the ones that can be caught and are used in the process of impregnation during external fertilization. No needle is fine enough while wounding egg cell’s cellular barrier in order to place the slow spermatosoid inside.

After insemination is over people wait. Many of embryos just die. They can’t survive. How could they, after this kind of violent treatment. Some people do it for many times over and over again in order to get a living embryo. But still it doesn’t mean it will grow into a healthy individual.

People get edgy and emotional when talking about kids. Somehow I get the feeling that they don’t care actually about the big picture.

Reproduction is every organisms’ biological function. Are you dysfunctional if you leave no one behind you? Do you have some other attributes, some other things to offer, beside children?

Civilization is doomed both ways. Some say that the planet Earth is overcrowded. Is it a natural mechanism for reducing the human population? From my point of view people have to choose between no offspring and ill offspring. Which one is right? Which one would you choose, if you’d have to?

 

The lovely ugliness

Pointing out differences may be an act of understanding and accepting each other. Respecting other people’s being is something hardly achievable by an ordinary, phallic man. Although it is being talked about a lot it is hardly applicable.

Somehow, the first thing people notice on an individual is their flaws. It is alright being aware of it, but it should be put aside, since it is not what someone IS.

Last night I read a post written by a famous pole dancer. She wrote about people noticing her flaws during some early age and later on, after years and years of wearing longer shirts because of her broad ties and big but and serious faces because of her teeth gap, the same people were asking her how did she manage to have so attractive figure and why doesn’t she smile a bit more, since she has that cute, little gap (which she made smaller at some point of her life when it became so irritating; she never absolutely closed it because she wanted to keep her identity as much as it wouldn’t press her).

Why is beauty such an inconstant phenomenon?

There’s no man or woman on Earth who didn’t experience that unpleasant situation of other people pointing at their hair, figure, scars, height, weight, outfit, looks, scars in such an intrusive manner.

It is easier to say for someone fatty that they’re fat, no matter if they play a cello or speak five languages. It’s easier to criticize than to give a compliment.

Noticing flaws gives us fake hope that we’re better than someone else, that we’re winning an unfair competition which we made up by ourselves. People appreciate what is outside, more than they think.

Talking about big butts, those were unacceptable during the Twiggy era, and later on. It was preferable to be thin. After the freak show Kardashians arrived, suddenly it became popular to have enormously broad figure. Nobody asked a question. What was ugly before suddenly became highly attractive. And not to mention that a group of some truly non-essential, rather say rude people had to present it as they did and others to accept it – as they did.

Degrading our powerful and beautiful bodies in such way makes me angry. It is not just a body. It can do lots of stuff for us and our minds. It can stand high pressures, it can bend, it can lift, it can protect our inner self; it’s not a toy and surly it is not made for showing off or even worse, for offending.

Worse than an ugly body is an ugly soul.

It is beautiful, but it is not just that. That body keeps yourself in it. It represents you. Sometimes you do take care of it, but it just won’t look as you imagined. It is still beautiful. The one who sees you, sees them both equally – your inside and your outside.

 

 

 

Tripping

Today I’ve met my cousin. She’s 6 years older than me. We were so bonded during growing up, but then we kind of split when she got married and later on gave a birth to her son. We’re still in contact but it’s not as it’s used to be. I remember our best times were during my high school. I adored her so much and wanted to be just like her. Somehow I achieved that, we’re physically very similar. We do look alike. And we got each other pretty well during these times, but something occurred today that wasn’t actually the thing I expected.

She told me: “Listen, I’ve met one guy today, he’s my client, I think he’s good for you, a bit clumsy, I think he never had a girlfriend before, but he’s ok.”

There’s a phrase in my language that can be used for many stuff, including seducing people and fixing their teeth. As my cousin used it, at first I though she found me a patient. But no, she found a groom.

I believe today she became just a cousin. Like all the others who just point their eyes on youngsters and wait for the wedding bells.

Why is that necessarily? Is there some other person, a partner that represents me best than I represent myself? Do I even exist if I’m single?

As I wrote before, I have difficulties fitting back in the frame of my hometown. This is one of them.

Most of the people who are my age face the same problem – we are all single. And it’s not changing. But that is not what really bothers me. The problem is a concept of personal space and borders. A partner is something personal. A person that I choose by myself, by my own idea. Once I’ve read in a certain book that everyone has a pattern. A pattern of life companion. It is something unique and highly specific. Not anyone can fit in and even if fits it’s not actually that precise. People must make some compromises and care for each other in order for their relationship to work.

So, basically everyone knows what’s best for themselves. In my case, I’ve never doubted it. Although I miss man and I miss support provided by partner, I never talk about it openly. It’s  too much and pointless. But I really get the feeling that when someone is trying to connect me with other person actually doesn’t appreciate me much and thinks of me as of someone incompetent to find a suitable partner. You can’t do it by force. I may sound harsh, but it’s not my way of meeting a partner. Sure, there are relationships that lasted for a lifetime and were started just like that. But I believe that in order for it to last, you must find something in someone that is precious for you, someone who may fit your pattern by his characteristics and the way of thinking. There’s no way that someone else would instruct you how to think or feel or to tell you who you really are; to tell you who is the one you seek.

I stopped seeking.

It bothers me less than actually seeking for someone. After so many bad experiences, I just give up. If he’s there he’ll pop-up. If not, life goes on, as it does everyday.

I feel some kind of emptiness. And it is so hard for it to shrink. So hard that I sometimes think – is it real that I’m so unattractive? Is it true that I can’t fit in someone’s pattern even a little bit? What are those disgusting characteristics that make people not even consider me? Am I that bad that I make other people feel sorry for me so they try to find me a person to love and to live with?

And all those questions later pull out marriage issues. I must find someone to marry and I must live with him no matter what as everyone else must and if there’s something wrong that should be pushed under the carpet in order for “family” to look great in it’s own failure. That’s how it works not only in my own family, but also in my broader family. Talking about patterns we all live the same, and now they’re pushing me to continue that tradition. It is still a quite shame to divorce or to star all over. It is even worse if you remain maiden…

The jar of fractured minds and myself in it

I already explained my point of view of gender issues through my own egalitarianism which emphasizes the idea of tolerance and comprehension which is sex-unrelated. In other words, there’s no purpose of “you being you” if you’re ignorant enough.

As a pole dancer I perceived the whole new dimension of mind and opened thinking. It is true that people see what they want to see. If there in front of you is a typically covered female  dancer who does stunning and demanding exercise on a pole, what is the first thing you think; how do you see her and what exactly do you see?

This question helped me to get the people and filter my social surrounding. The same pattern could be used concerning tattoos, for example. And of course, free person will never judge other one’s expression. I appreciated a lot when a male would approach me and tell me: “Wow, it must be hard, you must be very strong and enduring.” That’s the person who sees me as an athlete who works hard on it’s strength and elegance and understands the effort which is being put in it in order to lift up my whole body and not just that but also understands your expression of inner self. He sees me as someone who cherishes outer image equal as inner.

In the return I regard them as those who see the talent and persistence before attractive body, which, as a matter of fact, is not the goal, but the bonus…

On the other hand, from time to time I hear rude comments made by typical orthodox Kosovo liberators who see me as an immoral male attention drawer and who knows what else.

The “I-m-a-pole-dancer-test” never failed me. If you want to know them, ask them perceptual questions.

Patriarchy never died. It is changing it’s shape constantly as it’s being misused by many. It causes degradation of both man and women. It is a false idea of a man being supreme and woman being underestimated. In conditions like these, male is taught not to appreciate woman’s needs and personality and at the same time to depend on actions she’s doing in his favour and for him instead doing it by himself. And a women convincing that it is right to listen to instructions how to behave, feel and think in order to be accepted and “treated”. The result is a dysfunctional (grown up) man who doesn’t know how to take care of himself but only to expect of others to do it for him, and socially and emotionally challenged woman with imposed rules taken as something usual, expected and right. Those people will never find themselves and they’ll continue the tradition they’ve been taught is right carrying it over to the next generation of narrow-minded.

It is funny how, patriarchy in the same way as feminism emphasizes superiority of one sex over another. Like it is some kind of self defense mechanism (from what?). By pointing out differences in order to prove them as only truth there is they don’t get that it is one thing they have in common and by itself it makes them – equal.

Juggling hypocrisy

Lately all of us are being bombed with different kinds of propaganda, racism judgments, political rights, women rights, human rights, national identity and somehow people think that they’re defending the right side just because they’re proclaiming certain life standard and so called “moral”.

What made me think of this is an argument I had lately with a group of middle aged women, by my personal estimation old maids, who probably spend their days feeding pigeons, cursing men and comforting themselves that they are probably too good to be true, so that’s why they’re still single and no man can handle them. And many more hidden under term of “women’s rights” and “feminism”.

The comment made by myself which eventually enraged them was about my own idea of sexuality and genders. Of course we were talking about women in army.

In my opinion there are and there always will be crucial differences between men and women which build us in certain ways. Those are not insults. It is just the way we are. What is wrong with male-only professions? Or women-only? Is it humiliating? Is it offending someone?

Speaking of these differences I always like to point up the first and basic thing that was given to us when we were born and that is gender. It is the reason why I am Mary and why Peter is Peter.

When we were grumpy newborns, placed in rows in maternity hospital we were indeed all the same. Bald, ruddy, wrinkled, crying and had no idea at all who we were and what were we doing.

Later on, we got our first teeth, we straightened  up and step by step we walked! By some serious statistics, girls do it earlier than boys. Of course, that means nothing. As we grow we keep playing and fighting. Sometimes girls win. Sometimes they don’t. But anyway, violence is not allowed. We grow, we grow, we grow. At some point, our whole body is full of hormones. We’re changing. We still grow. Girls start getting feminine body shape, tiny waists with wider ties, some describe it as hourglass-shape. On the other hand, boys get taller, their baby-beard is appearing, their jaws are getting bigger and their shoulders wider. They tend to be musculous and tall. Of course, these are not standards. My point is – estrogen does it’s parts of the job to feminine body, same as testosterone does to male’s. Simplified.

I noticed that stress differently affects women and men. In the same stressful situations they react in different ways. While I took part in taekwondo competitions often I saw girls bursting in tears at some point of a fight.  Also, boys never showed that kind of emotion during the same type of activity. They are sometimes bit aggressive and typicaliy revolted. My friend Katherine, who used to take part in those competitions even longer than I have first came up to me with this idea and made me think of it. She told me: “Girls just can’t handle it emotionally”. Can we actually? Yes, there are great feminine athletes and yes, every one is born to make a personal success. But the thing I am trying to bring up to this story is constant sex humiliation and degradation covered by “women’s rights”. Talking about that argument from the beginning, I just mentioned that some professions are better handled by men, and some other by women. And that’s how it is. It doesn’t offend women or men.

War has always been done by men. And so far, they’ve done it very well. Their testosterone provided them huge arms, shoulders and mindset which combined with a bit of practice equals  one fine warrior. On the other hand estrogen makes women’s body fatter especially when emphasising it’s shape which some relate to fertility and also during some typical days of the month when it is bringing out their intensive emotions, which would weaken them in a position of a fighter.

Just because most of women aren’t good warriors and have no interest in war doesn’t make them bad or less worthy. Also some women who actually take part in war actions are not better men than we already have. They are not men at all. And they shouldn’t feel that way. I don’t say that the army is not for women, but I think that men would do it better.

And the thing that I hate the most is when certain women keep degrading all the men under excuse of equality.

There are women who desperately need help, who are molested by their husbands, male co-workers, neighbors etc. And they should be protected. But what I hate is when others who suffer inner problems  use other one’s real misery as their own frustration therapy and mask for their own idiotic attitudes.

If a woman thinks that she’s better than some men, or even worse that all the men are ignorant, clumsy and useless she should keep it to herself and achieve whatever she has to achieve. Also, I feel the same disgust when a man disrespects a woman in the similar way.

There never will be gender equivalence and there never should. What should be there is tolerance. Love me and respect me as a woman and I’ll love you and respect you as a man. The true beauty is in diversity. What an ugly world would it be if we were all the same, with the same bodies, faces, minds.