Harts are dying alone

Today I decided to write about something different.

Something very worth of talking and thinking of happened to me.

As I wrote in my pervious posts I tend to suffer a lot due to new surrounding issues; although after year and a half I’m not quite sure how can it be named “new”. Yesterday I attended one six-year-old birthday party and I expected for it to be dull. Bunch of kids and some grown ups watching over them. I’d be sitting with my cousins and chit chatting. At some point one of my cousins whispered to me: “There’s Hart”.

And there I saw her holding her phone and making that I-m-overseeing-you face. That’s my aunt Hart. We’re not so close related but we see each other during some family reunions. “I was about to type you a message”, she told me.

Hart’s a silent rebel. Even during her childhood or even toddler years she tend to be different. During her life in Mostar when she was about 4 years old she got bored in kindergarten so she asked her teacher to let her go home. The teacher said: “yeah right, of course you can go ha-ha”. So my aunt got out and took a bus back home. It was a mess later but taking a closer look everything was legit: she asked, they gave her permission to leave, so she left. So my aunt accepted the pattern she made by herself and still uses it. She’s successful, she has a kid, she’s divorced. She’s doing what she likes, no one is getting hurt. Except herself sometimes.

Yesterday we talked a lot about life. We started as chatting about her trip to Belize, but soon we concluded a lot about ourselves. I like her because she talks about things freely and openly. She’s a complete free spirit. There are no taboos or forbidden subjects and everything is logical and has a purpose. We talked about pole dance, how she was thrilled when she saw my videos, when tried it. That’s  what I call a pole dance filter for people. And we discussed some relationship topics, I told her how bad I feel after all those fails, how I can’t find a suitable partner, or better said a partner at all. Like they’re just running away from me. And then she told me to stop and pointed out my good sides and things I’m good at. And that’s what I haven’t heard for so long from anyone. Someone who sees me as a good and pretty and successful and unlike others. And it meant to me after all those tries of the people who are my closest to lure me into some things I don’t like, things which would compress my qualities and make me less worthy and less happy. Finally someone in this town who sees me.

She’s divorced, she does what she wants, she’s successful. But she is very sad. What kind of touched me yesterday was when she told me that she’d like to see a therapist. I don’t see it as a bad thing, but contrary. But somehow in her voice I could hear like she’s got sick of it all. I don’t actually know what that “all” is, but somehow I can understand her.  The rest of our family doesn’t actually appreciate her a lot. My mother and her sisters first. She’s their cousin. They like her because she’s good, but mainly they like to point at her “bad” sides. That bad is the fact she lives with no limitations. The first bad thing is that she’s divorced. You know, it is a disgrace to live alone with a child. Even more disgraceful than living a life with a molester for example, because if you’re living with any man in any house, neglecting your children, that means it is good because you fulfilled some idiotic pattern and it is even better if others see it. Basically you do have a family. You did it. You might suffer but, keep it quiet, because who knows what other people would say about it… The second thing they hate about her is that she travels a lot. Who’d be traveling a lot and being divorced at the same time plus having a child?! Rubbish. She’s unleashed! It is such a shame! Such a, such a shame.

There are many things that people are resenting her, but the thing is that while doing all that stuff she actually doesn’t hurt anyone. So I can’t really understand why is she such a bad person. She’s the rare one who appreciate other people’s good characteristics. She sees quality instead of flaws in everyone, although we have it all. And that is what I need to hear sometimes, that not everyone is bad.

She’s suppressed so much. She suffers. I can see myself in her. I’m growing up into her.

Summing all of this I can only conclude that the world is one wrong place, where it is alright to push yourself down in order to fit in some life pattern made by average people. Also it is acceptable to do harm to others in order to succeed and be jelaous of others who are better than you are; to point out flaws and make people feel miserable because of it; to lessen other people’s success and most of all to exclude all those who are different.

Finding yourself is so hard. In the end it can break you.

Deer (hart) is an endangered specie here, although it doesn’t maybe seem like it. People are killing them because of their hornets and fur which is used to be bragged about. From this perspective deer is loosing his fight against man which he’s been made to join in order to survive. Deer doesn’t want to fight. He lives in the nature, far away from people. He hurts no one. And still he’s being killed… Often people like to take pictures of dead animal after killing it and posting it on facebook or other sites. It looks like they’ve done one great thing. Even if they have, is it really necessary?

Faking

Are you capable of taking care of an other human, a baby? Is everyone able to do so? Are you able and humane enough  to take care of others who are around you? Would you expand your family no matter what, even if your children’d be ill? Is the child everything to you? If it is, why is, exactly?

Lately I hear here and there that many women suffer infertility. Being a parent is probably one great feeling which can hardly be substituted by something else. But. What if your genes would be a next apocalypse?

Mentioning this subject many people get offended when I say that artificial children are ill and bad for all of us. Actually, it’s not that they are bad, but those who earned money using their parent’s despair are bad.

We are full of bad genes. To be more precise, we’re full of all kinds of genes. But not every gene will be expressed. There must be some conditions fulfilled in order for a gene to bring out it’s full expression. Some other’s are expressed as they are. And the rest are inactive and hidden, but still there. We are all different because we got different genes expressed. Some of them carry information about hair, height, weight, eye colour, they determine if a person’d be shortsighted, freckled, light tanned etc. But they also carry important information about someone’s general development and general health. Sometimes when two meet and decide to have a family it just won’t work out. They’re incompatible. Eventually, they’re not for each other. Either they get bad offspring or they can’t even get any.

Why does artificial insemination terrify me?

Because it gives a chance to what can’t live by itself, something that is categorized as inadequate by Mother Nature. It’s a Pandora’s box which is setting all the bad genes free. Bad genes which carry information about many rare diseases that are not even studied enough and not to mention treated. They can go silent until an individual concealed by this way reaches full maturity and leaves its own offspring with same genes and even later get expressed, but it’s already late.

Beside mentioned, women pass through series of therapies and take medicines which change their cycle in order for egg cells to be collected. Regarding men, their sperm is being used to collect spermatosoids. But not the best are being collected, but those who can be caught. As it is known, only the fastest spermatosoid will fertilize naturally, because it’s the one that carries the best material. All the others carry bad material and those are the ones that can be caught and are used in the process of impregnation during external fertilization. No needle is fine enough while wounding egg cell’s cellular barrier in order to place the slow spermatosoid inside.

After insemination is over people wait. Many of embryos just die. They can’t survive. How could they, after this kind of violent treatment. Some people do it for many times over and over again in order to get a living embryo. But still it doesn’t mean it will grow into a healthy individual.

People get edgy and emotional when talking about kids. Somehow I get the feeling that they don’t care actually about the big picture.

Reproduction is every organisms’ biological function. Are you dysfunctional if you leave no one behind you? Do you have some other attributes, some other things to offer, beside children?

Civilization is doomed both ways. Some say that the planet Earth is overcrowded. Is it a natural mechanism for reducing the human population? From my point of view people have to choose between no offspring and ill offspring. Which one is right? Which one would you choose, if you’d have to?