The greatest

I’m so afraid. I’m facing the worst fear I’ve ever felt in my life. I’m so terrified that I could be life threatened. These are the thoughts in my mind while thinking about a problem I’ve been going through. This is the greatest. The greatest, bad thing happening to me right now. It is huge, and again – I’m so afraid of it.

While studying dentistry and some medical subjects, especially forensics, which I’m in particular fond to; at some point I started thinking about death. Law and medicine are often confronted, but forensics is the part of both medical and law sciences which questions, besides some other things – death. When the person is dead and there’s no one who’d speak in their name, forensics listen to body signs left there, the signs which’d tell the real story about it. I like the truth, especially the hidden one which can’t be just told, but the one you must seek for and look and listen carefully, and if you’re clever enough, you’ll find it and spread it.

Last week I was clumsy. As I said in my recent post, I got stabbed on an used needle. It was an irrigation needle in contact with saliva of three, for me unknown patients. All these years I thought that it can’t happen to me and it will never happen. I’m careful.

But my worst nightmare came true.

As I tried to put a cap on a syringe the needle broke through it and stabbed me. I felt the stab and saw the drop of blood. I washed and disinfected the wound. And now I pray.

That was the pressure I’ve never felt before, as if I’m going to explode. I came home and was quiet for tree days. Although I checked up patients’ records and saw no infective diseases recorded I can’t let that burdening feeling go.

The thing about specific virus hepatitis is that it often gives no symptoms although a person is the carrier. Some people never even feel sickness or any kind of discomfort.

In order to detect antibodies in my system, if an infection occurred, it needs to pass between 6 weeks and 3 months, at least. This will be the time I’ll fly above it. And keep thinking what if.

During last week I kept thinking about what my life would look like if the tests I’m about to take would be positive. I’m ill. Like I’m dirty. In my blood there is something bad, taken from another person by mistake while trying to help and do my job. I’m young. I’ll have no family, no children. People will be afraid of me. My family will feel unpleasant around me, so as my friends. I’ll be rejected once again. I cried. I cried so much. I missed myself. No one saw that; my mother kept talking me about some idiotic problems that are bothered by other people from my surrounding, such as my cousin’s bad grades. I though: “If you’d only knew…” I’ll die alone. I’m going to be a threat to anyone who’d approach me. No one would step out and help me if I were in trouble, bleeding, because I could easily infect them… and so on.

I felt so restless. I’ve been having a problem about which I couldn’t speak to anyone. If I’d tell someone in my closest family, for example my mother, she’d call her sister (my aunt) in despair and tell her about that and then it’d spread to my granny and my other aunt and then they’d contact me in horror to remind me once again how bad my current position is and how that happened, why weren’t I more careful, which are the last words I should listen about in that very moment.

I couldn’t keep it for myself and yet again, I couldn’t just yell about it either. Two days ago I was sitting in the living room with my parents. I told them: “I don’t want to do dentistry anymore”. On their question why’s that I answered partially with my problem which was bothering me so hard. I told them that I’m terrified of deadly, severe and life changing infections to which we are, as medical workers, exposed day by day.

Unexpected, I got the best comfort from my dad. I’m not sure if he figured out that my fear is quite real or not, but he comforted me with the right words. His action somehow released me from two things that were struggling inside of me. The first one was, of course, the actual problem I faced. The second one is the fear that he abandoned me long time ago. He didn’t. He was the one who felt. He didn’t tell me some irrelevant tales about others or overwhelmed me with some marginal everyday issues. He gave me some kind of logical explanation about the situation that could be mine… That was all I needed to hear at that moment. During this week I bumped to many people who just kept talking about themselves, their problems, other people problems… I had to listen to all of that and I couldn’t talk about my very own tragedy.

He reminded me that, once again, 2 + 2 in medicine is not necessarily always 4.

It may not be a strong theory. It may not be true. But my mind needs some explanation and someone to tell me that everything will be alright.

I’ll find out my equation in a month.

Thanks, dad.

2 thoughts on “The greatest

  1. I like the fear of death you are facing. Not because I think it is great being in fear for you own life. No. I personally believe that we already encountered numerous viruses during studies. Hep B can come trough eye and stuff like that. I think that is not always the case that virus is about to reproduce in your cells. It might decide to die instead. But it is not my opinion that is important now. Although I am sure that you are not in danger, you mentioned that patient is healthy.
    I like you talking about fear of death because death is common way to interpret something else. It is not death that scares you, it is just a nice filter for exposure of something deeper that might bother you. Death does not fear us, it is pure end of something we are familiar with. But you were talking a lot about how knowing that you are now potential threat for family and friend and everyone who is going to get close to you, how realizing that they now have right to abandon you, how that is upsetting you. So death is a symbol. It is natural as well as birth so there is no need to be afraid of it. Death is a final destination and being close to it, by being infected with some viruses, is actually pointer for the worst case scenario feeling. And that is feeling of loneliness.Your amazing brain made a wonderful filter where your fear can be exposed freely. You have fear of being lonely. And being doomed to inevitable loneliness that can occur if that awful virus make a choice of living inside you, that is causing you to feel scared or angry or upset. Because you do not want to feel lonely. You deserve more than that, and injustice that might occur is horrible.
    So loneliness is something that you might wanna get away from. Something that is real. Loneliness is not about being surrounded by anyone, it is the feeling of being understood and supported.
    I love you and I support your acts and decisions. I am sure that exposing yourself will bring you contentment and peace, and writing personal thoughts might be just a step that will lead you to fully understatement of how wonderful you are. It is the quality that you are offering to the world which is rarely seen. Empowerment to trust in your self is the key. And day by day, becoming more aware of your own perfection, you will see how feeling of inadequacy will collapse confronting support that you will drain from your new surrounding.

    Liked by 1 person

    • First of all I must say that you are really into this, you get the point of what’s inside the people. You are reading people, literally. Reading your comment I concluded that you got me better than I even got myself through this post. Yes, the loneliness is the state that frightens me the most…I even explained it through examples so good in this text, but didn’t pay attention. Second of all, my father told me the same thing about the virus and exposition to it earlier.
      You are really extraordinary. This comment of yours amazed me the most. You are the person for people!

      Like

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